be careful what you share
By heather | June 29, 2009
One of the things that you won’t find in any baby book is how having kids will change your friendships. Sure there’s advice to have date nights and me-time and all that crap but I’ve never seen this bit of truth documented anywhere:
You have friends that you will drop because of the way they parent.
At first it’s sub-concious, maybe you aren’t even sure why you turn down invites to get together. Or why you dread spending time with them, with or without thier kids. Then you slowly start to realize it’s because you do one thing, and they do another. It makes no sense whatsoever to me to observe someone yell at a child for hitting, then spank them as punishment. I cannot comprehend a parent who has a child that continues misbehaving but will not remove them from the situation, thus making everyone else miserable. Nor can I understand someone who is off work for the summer leaving a child in daycare all day every day. Those people are the ones you slowly lose touch with because it becomes more of an effort than a joy to spend time with them and understand their motives.
Back before I knew this, a couple we knew asked us for a daycare recommendation. We weren’t good friends but didn’t have any issues with them per se, and we were thrilled to share what a great person we had found.
If there is one thing in the past three years I could take back, it would be sharing the name of our daycare provider. Because for the last 15 months, that couple’s baby (who is now two) has bullied, smacked, bit, disrupted, and generally harrassed and hassled my kids and the other kids in daycare. He tackles them, pinches, does things specifically to make other kids cry. Which should be no surprise because he’s exactly like his dad, who reminds me of a 30-year old frat boy.
This morning that kid smacked Emily Kate, who was just sitting there smiling at him like she smiles at everyone and I have not stopped crying since. The look on her face has haunted me all day, her innocent belief that everyone she meets will smile at her and love her was destroyed. Something we all need to learn eventually, but not before our first goddamn birthday.
I knew it was coming. Why should she be any different? Every kid there has been bitten or hit at least once and now I have a choice. Do I provide an ultimatum - my kids or this one? Do I let it go and trust that the situation will right itself despite all evidence to the contrary? Should I be more direct in my displeasure at the situation? Because despite the fact that it’s a business - this woman has cared for my children for nearly three years. I’ve asked her to love them and care for them while I work and she has and I know she wants to do the right thing. She feels sorry for this little boy because he isn’t getting the discipline and loving attention he should be at home. I constantly wonder if Alex acting out is a direct result of what he’s seeing - that the way to get attention is to misbehave.
Everything I wanted in a daycare - a family home, educational curriculum, loving provider, small group - all those things are still there. Just less so, because so much time and energy is spent on corralling ONE CHILD. And the fact that his mother is home for the summer yet still leaves him every day for longer than my kids are there makes me sick.
I wonder what his mom would say if I confronted her and asked her what the hell she is doing. Because it’s easy to tell yourself that you want your child to keep to a routine, and that it’s better for them to be around other kids. You can say it out loud and people will nod and agree, but what if just once, someone didn’t nod and agree with you? What if someone called bullshit and made you face the fact that you just don’t want to deal with the monster you’ve created?
Judgemental? Hell yes. Do I know the entire story? Probably not. You never really can, and you have to call what you see and what I see is my kids being exposed to things that I don’t want them to be exposed to yet and an eviction process that is taking entirely TOO LONG. For pete’s sake telling a parent they need to find another method of care for their child doesn’t need to be like firing a government employee.
Just when I thought I’d gotten past my working mother guilt, I’m reminded that the choices I’ve made in one area take things out of my hands in another. And for the millionth time I question and revisit and beat myself up over those choices. All because I gave a referral.
Topics: Alex, EK, parenting | 2 Comments »
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what is 2 exactly?
By heather | June 24, 2009
Alex is 2 years and 8 months. He constantly tests me, to the point that I have to physically walk away from him so as not to spank him. As if he knows exactly how far he can go, sometimes he’ll chase me as I walk away hitting me the whole time, daring me to do something. He goes out of his way to hurt his sister, to the point that I cannot take my eyes away for a second. He hits, spits, he kicks, is rude at the table. Refuses to apologize, talks back. Some days it feels like I spend every atom of energy trying to teach him right from wrong with time-outs, disciplining, counting 1-2-3.
Thank God for this blog, where I can go back and read entries about the way things used to be, that remind me he is mine, my child, my first baby. Every night for at least the last three weeks we put him to bed, he gets up. Back to bed, gets up. Lock the door and he screams to the point of hysteria, waking Emily Kate and rattling the house as he pounds on the door. This goes on for hours. We’ve tried ignoring, he comes down the stairs. Yelling is wasted breath. It has become a dance, a game, and any way you look at it, it sucks.
My friend C summed it up today when she told me she was praying to Jesus to find out what the return policy was on her 2 year old.
Sometimes though, when he chooses to be he is adorable. Articulate, soft-spoken, protective and sweet. Amazing me with details he notices, and fetching things without being asked. It’s like he doesn’t know who he wants to be.
I was going to write about how it’s probably my fault because I put him in daycare all day, but I think for the first time I’m past that. Because if I stayed at home, it would really be my fault, right? No one to blame but myself. So there’s no one and nothing
to blame, it is what it is.
Topics: Alex | 6 Comments »
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pantsification
By heather | May 21, 2009
On Tuesday I went to a store, let’s call it Banana Republic, to simply exchange a top that I’d bought for a different size. I happened to see a pair of gray slacks - on SALE! - and since I’ve been half looking for a gray suit I tried them on.
They fit like a glove, in fact they were so glove-like I was concerned they may be a little too tight. At the moment I emerged from the dressing room, my salesperson, who had made it his mission to convince me that he was my personal shopper and there to serve me walked over.
Him: So what do you think?
Me: I’m worried they might be the tiniest bit too tight.
Him: Hmmm…what kind of work do you do?
Me: Consulting - think conservative.
Him: Yes, well maybe…you know what you need to do?
Me: Lose 10 pounds?
Him (horrified, sucks in breath): NO GIRL! I was going to say get those pants let out maybe 1/2 an inch.
Me: Ha! I’m more likely to lose 10 pounds than do that.
I bought them anyway because they probably fit, and were on sale, AND they had a matching suit jacket in a beautiful shade of gray. For the last 15 minutes I’ve been wearing the pants (and yes, still working from home), then twisting around trying to see my ass in the mirror. Finally I decided to take a picture using the self-timer on my camera.
Pause…
What an eye-opening moment of truth that was.
Things I learned from the rear-view photograph:
1. I do not look like I think I do from behind
2. The pants are probably too tight
3. I slouch
4. My dresser is a dusty mess
5. My highlights are not as blond as I thought and the back of my head is a right mess
6. Don’t take full-rear view photos anymore
Things I will be forgetting:
1. How to use the self-timer on the camera
Topics: fashion, self improvement | 6 Comments »
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that’s really green
By heather | May 20, 2009
So guess what? Just like I always thought, the grass on the work-from-home side of the fence really IS greener.
I knew it!
I finished out the last contract with the hellish commute and manager who isn’t qualified to manage a hot dog stand last Friday. At first I was sad, because…well, I don’t really know why. There are a few people there that I’ll miss I suppose. But now as I sit here in my office/guest room next to an open window looking out at clear, perfect blue sky enjoying a breeze and having just finished a delightful homemade lunch that wasn’t all soggy because I packed it last night, I really can’t think of any other reason that an office would be preferable.
Until I get accounts set up to be online at my new place I’m working from home because this client would rather I be WORKING rather than just sitting where they can see me pick my nose for lack of other activity.
I’ve heard all the advice out there on working from home, especially about getting ready as if you were going to an office. Although I did it yesterday and the day before, today I have ignored that and have yet to shower. I also had blueberry pie for a mid morning snack but at least I’m eating at home. I can run a load of laundry when I get up to take breaks instead of listen to a co-worker bitch or make small talk with someone who’s name I can’t remember.
In short, it’s everything I thought it would be. Delightful.
Topics: work | 1 Comment »
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