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an open letter to mall santa
By heather | December 13, 2007
Dear Santa -
Yesterday, I left work early and rushed to daycare so that we could go see you, Mall Santa, hereafter known as Stupid Fat Guy Who Is Only Liked At Christmas and Get A Real Job Already. When I got to daycare, I grabbed my son, drove to the mall, changed his clothes in the car seat while he helped by throwing shoes and socks all over the backseat, dumped him into his stroller and literally jogged to the Wonderland that is the center court.
Only to be told by a Stupid Elf in your employ and a most helpful Mommy who was already in line with her entire damn family that Santa was not accepting any more kids until after his dinner break. Even though your scheduled dinner break was for 4:30 and it was 4:20 and I just have ONE KID, God! how long will it take? The most-helpful-effing-elf-ever informed me that you would be back at 5:15 and I could wait if I wanted. WHICH I DID NOT. Asshole.
Last year when we went came to see you I was on maternity leave. It’s not so easy now, Santa, and I would appreciate it if you would stick to your scheduled times.
Last year’s bored baby…
A few weekends ago, I opted to stay on your good side and not take Alex to see you when he had a gooey cold. And this is how you repay me? I should have let him slime you, just like last year when you bounced him after I told you that was a bad idea and he barfed on you.
Please tell your elf that:
- I’m not one of those morons who is going to stand in line for an hour to pay for a poor quality picture so that my child who doesn’t even understand the concept of Santa can sit on your lap.
- 4:30 means 4:30. Period.
- part of his job is to keep the “helpful” customers in line quiet, especially when delivering bad news so that other mothers don’t have to feel bad for wanting to kill them at Christmas.
- my 13-month old is taller than him.
And I’m no Joshua Trundle, so don’t expect an apologetic clock from me.
Sincerely,
Heather
Mommy is feeling a little crazy at the moment, so don’t pay any attention to her.