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saving me
By heather | January 8, 2008
I’ve spent the last 24 hours in a complete funk.
Brett is gone, to corporate brainwashing training for the week in DC.
It seems like Alex and I are constantly in a power struggle which starts with him slamming his head on the floor or a table edge while screaming and ends with me crying, hating to see him hurt himself and wondering why I can’t make him stop. As soon as I start crying, he calms down and gives me kisses.
Hearing from his daycare that he never behaves that way there and he must just be testing me, while meant to be comforting, makes me wonder if I stayed at home with him if he would still do that, or if he feels like he has to test me because I’m only around during the witching hours. We are so much alike that we need the buffer of Daddy, and without that we are making each other crazy.
A friend of mine from high school passed away late last week. He had ALS (Lou Gehrig’s Disease) and although we weren’t that close, hearing how my hometown has pulled together for him in the last years of his life has made me miss the community I used to know. There were so many people at the viewing last night that my parents waited in line for over 2 hours.
I’ve spent much of the last day crying, or being close to it – puffy eyes be damned. I cried at Desperate Housewives as they pulled Lynette’s kids out of the collapsed house. I cried at commercials for cell phones. I cried when my yoga friend read a fortune cookie about happiness at the end of class. I cried when I couldn’t find pants to button this morning.
What this entry is meant to be about is how much, and how unexpectedly, I’ve been buoyed by my blog friends. I used to imagine the authors of the blogs I read to be like imaginary friends, even though I see your pictures and know your kids, we’ll probably never have lunch together. But over the last few days your writings have become real and kept me from losing it altogether.
To Miss, for her entry about communities being a place to call home and how much she misses the safety and comfort of a small town. It spoke exactly to what I’ve been missing about my hometown and sometimes all you need is to know someone else feels the same way. Also for all her comments – supportive, humorous, whatever – I appreciate them more than you know.
To Rimarama for her entries about airing mothering’s dirty laundry and how we censor it with humor so our blog friends don’t think we’re nuts. Except when we don’t and you get the support you are so desperately looking for.
To Jen who I had never met (read) before today. I haven’t read enough to understand the work she does or who she really is yet but her series of posts on helping a homeless, pregnant woman and her family made me cry too. And then look up, because my issues are small and I have so much comparatively. I don’t remember how I found your site, but I will remember those entries.
To Vicki, Steph, Megan, Anne, Kira, Jill and Maura and all the people I know in real life who also read the blog that I can call and say “help me” and they’ll do it, no questions asked.
And finally, after locking my keys (and everything I needed for the day) in my car this morning and having to call the military police to come rescue my coffee, I logged on to find a comment to my Baby 2.0 post from Anonymous with those shining words I’ve been waiting to hear: Someone else is pregnant too! She promises I’ll know soon enough who she is…I can’t wait.
You guys are keep me going. Thanks.
UPDATE: You must go read this post at Finslippy. Now instead of crying, I’m LMAO. It must be that time of year or something.
Topics: bloggity blog, deep thoughts...or not, this is why | No Comments »
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