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taking a turn through Target
By heather | January 14, 2008
Alternate title: a conspiracy theory on the corporate machine that is Target.
I saw some cute ballet flats in the Sunday Target circular yesterday. And because the pregnancy-water-retention fun has caused not only carpal tunnel in my wrists but swelling of my feet, none of my shoes fit. So the trip to try on said shoes was justified, especially because they were only $12. I also needed a birthday card, we’ll say for $2. Remember this list: shoes, card.
Of course, no one goes to Target and only spends $14. Except Miss, and I am still in awe.
My theory is that Target runs some sort of confusion machine that messes with your brainwaves. It’s like the Haitian on Heroes. You only know what he wants you to know. At Target, they combine the confusion of flourescent lights with an overwhelming amount of stuff, crazy people, and red shirts that are like flags to a bull. This causes overstimulation of your brain and the end result is you buy what they want you to buy, and you will not spend less than $50.
First, I got a cart. For only one pair of shoes and a card, your guess is as good as mine. Even as I was getting it I wondered why. The brainwashing machines are so powerful that from the moment you enter the store you are helpless and cannot just stick.to.the.list.
Now, listen in your head to the buzzing of the lights and the smell of the popcorn/Taco Bell/Pizza Hut and follow my flight of the bumblebee brain waves. (For maximum immersion experience, play the song while you read reallyreallyfast. It will be just like you were there.)
I head toward the shoes, but on the way remember I need sunglasses. Then think, I really need to divest my sunglasses basket of the 3 broken pairs, 2 pairs that don’t fit, and the one pair I just don’t like. Is it wrong to buy another pair when there are that many broken ones at home? I could just try to fix a pair. But then I’d need to try and find a glasses-fixer kit and…eh. Easier to buy new ones.
Almost there, oooh…a Bonne Bell lip smacker trio on clearance! Should I? Shouldn’t I? It’s only $2! But I really don’t need three more lip glosses. But it’s clearance! Maybe I’ll just head over to the Bonne Bell section and see if they just have one single flavor…
Hmmm. Where is the Bonne Bell section? Here’s all these other brands…oooh…maternity clothes! Let’s go look! No, no, NO! Sunglasses! (Recall if you will the original list - shoes, card.) Back to the sunglasses aisle, this time sidetracked by a purse which I didn’t buy because I couldn’t decide between the cream or the rust color.
Try on sunglasses, notice that said glasses only block 99% of UV rays. Refuse to pay $17.99 for sunglasses that don’t offer full COMPLETE protection. Find pair marked $5.99. Still only 99%, but odds are they will get broken or lost soon enough that no permanent damage should occur.
Weave back to maternity. Park cart near clearance rack and start thumbing through. Wonder why Target doesn’t reserve a clearance rack that is ONLY for maternity clothes, because what pregnant woman wants to flick through hangers on 10 separate racks, hoping to find the lone maternity item? And also, why are the plus size clothes right next to maternity? Do the skinny clothes get upset when they have to be near shirts that have so much fabric?
Observe out of the corner of my eye a woman looking at maternity clothes mumbling to herself while her dopey eyed boyfriend stands there looking dazed. Wonder why boyfriend circles back around the rack and tries to squeeze between my cart and all the clothes, gets stuck and then looks at me to move when it would obviously be much easier for him to walk around than for me to move cart.
Decide I’ve had enough of being near these two and head to shoes. There’s the pair from the circular, but I don’t like them as much in person. But look! Another pair - same price, different style. Have a moment of silence for the shoes I used to be able to wear. See another pair of cute madras print espadrilles. Debate. Decide that by the time summer comes, I will look a little bit like Olivia the pig with a big belly wearing tiny shoes. Bid farewell to the madras espadrilles.
Wander over to housewares. Look at cleaning supplies, because cleaning supplies are like office supplies to me - full of potential and promise, however usually best left on the shelf where I won’t disappoint them.
Remember I need a birthday card. On the way to cards, find myself in books. Pick up a book to read at night before bed, never mind that I’ll either stay up way to late reading it or fall asleep three sentances in. The subject matter I’ll surely find relevant though. Ooh…Doritos.
How many different flavors of Doritos are there nowadays? And if I were to line up all the flavors and do a blind taste test, how many would really taste remarkably different from the original? Because I’ve counted about 10 different flavors and they all still look like corn chips to me. Where was I?
Right. Birthday cards…but oh look Vitamin Water is on sale - 10 for $10! Must pick up a few because it really is silly to pay $1.37 for those things at the gas station. So many choices and flavors, can pregnant women drink taurine? I’m thinking no because isn’t that the crap in Red Bull?
Head to check out, remember I still need a card. Head back to cards. Get one and get in shortest line. Realize after I’ve unloaded 10 bottles of water plus book, shoes, gum and sunglasses that I am behind the mumbly girl from maternity. Watch as she talks on her cell phone the entire time, completely ignoring the cashier except to yell at her when she wants something run up separately. I despise people who do that, I think talking on your phone while someone is helping you is rudeness punishable by food poisoning.
Now here’s the best part, the item she wanted rung up separately was bottled iced tea, like you get from a vending machine. And despite the fact that she was wearing name brand stuff and talking on a cell phone, she was paying for it with food stamps. When the cashier told her she couldn’t pay for that item with my taxpayer dollars, she yelled out loud as she walked away, “Why I can’t pay for it with food stamps? It food ain’t it!” Hmmm. Refreshingly brisk maybe, but probably not very nourishing.
Original list: shoes for $12, card for $2.
Brainwashed list: sunglasses, shoes, 10 flavored waters, a book, a card, and a pack of gum. Total: just under $47.21.
Despite the best efforts of the brainwashing machines, clearance stickers, and crazy people, I have come away a winner! I did not spend $50! You can’t control me corporate machine! Ha ha ha!
The end.
Topics: deep thoughts...or not, shopping capers, this is why |