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By heather | January 16, 2008
Explain to me why, when 95% of my money is electrons and I am lucky if I handle $20 in cash in an entire month, retirement rollovers are so complicated? I do not want checks for various LARGE amounts in my sweaty palms, waiting for me to get my procrastinatin’ ass to the post office.
Regular readers will recall that I have worked for five different companies since college. At each, I have done the “smart” thing and established my 401K, faithfully making contributions until I quit (usually approximately two years after I start, give or take a month.) What that means is that I have several 401K accounts.
One of my goals this year was to organize my financial life. Ok, that actually was a goal for before I had a child, but we’ll pretend that I meant children which means I haven’t failed yet. Because I only have one. And a half.
Organizing my financial life means rolling over all these accounts into one account, that I can MANAGE and only pay fees once and actually research what it means when I invest 90% of my money in “Large-Cap Stocks” causing me to lose almost $400 from one account in the last 14 DAYS. Not that I had that happen or anything because I had like, totally forgotten that the account in question even existed and for God sake I picked that investment mix 5 years ago and why didn’t anyone remind me to change it?
Rolling over should be simple. One company should just be able to call another and be like, “Hey, I’m transferring some funds for this chick. Here is her social.”
Last year, I tried to rollover my smallest account, maybe $300 or so. I went to the bank where a very helpful, but unknowledgable “retirement specialist” assured me that all they needed to do was cut me a check that I would then send to the account of my choice. Easy, right? But also, INCORRECT.
I filled out all the paperwork for Investment Company A to accept my rollover and mailed it to them along with the check. I even talked to a rollover specialist at Investment Company A and was assured that I had everything necessary, only to have them return it approximately 6 weeks later because the funds were not certified as pre-tax. Of course by this time, the check was 5 days away from expiring. I said eff it, and cashed that bitch.
I dread this. I loathe trying to get online and figure out what forms I need. I hate getting stumped by the legal and financial terms and calling customer service, only to be waited on by some young pup whose voice cracks when he asks if he can help me, leading me to believe that he wasn’t even born when I started investing.
I especially hate those customer service lines where you have to SPEAK to the machine. Whatever happened to just pressing buttons? If I’m sitting at my desk, during business hours, which is the only time I can call, isn’t it kind of a tip off that I’m not really doing work if I’m sitting there reading off my social, then saying “Yes” or “Customer Service” or “Help me you f#$(ers!”
Ahem. Anyway, checking the rollover procedures for Company E (we’ll call them Dark Ages Investing) makes me wilt because the only instructions I can find are how to mail them a check along with a statement from Other Company that certifies the funds are pre-tax. This won’t fly, I know it won’t. Somewhere it will get screwed up. I also can’t find their customer service number. So I start with the Investment Company I’m trying to leave, let’s call them Imaginary Money Investors (IMI).
“We’ll email you a form. Fill it out and mail it back to us.”
The form is 8 pages long. I have no idea what type of account I’m trying to roll it into. In the meantime I find the customer service number for DAI and determine the steps I need to follow to give them my money:
- Fill out rollover form provided by IMI. Also include form from DAI, with instructions for IMI to sign it and mail it back to me with check. Har har.
- Snail mail it forms to IMI.
- Wait for check to arrive. When it does, peer vainly inside empty envelope for other form needed.
- Attempt to get IMI to sign and send form from DAI. Not TO them because IMI will have to send the form to me and then I will have to send the form in a package to DAI. Otherwise it won’t be accepted, they say.
- Wait. Hope check doesn’t expire.
- Discover IMI has sent form directly to DAI and that it is now lost forever.
- Repeat 4-5 until form arrives in my mailbox.
- Mail check and signed rollover form to DAI.
- Wait for rejection that I did it wrong.
- Repeat with each company that holds some of my retirement money.
- Watch self slowly lose mind attempting to keep track of 10 different forms which must be signed and processed correctly or no dice, dummy.
Total time required – at least a year.
Chances of me losing at least one check or form – better than 70%.
Chances of former investment company denying any knowledge of my existence once the check is cut – 100%.
OR I could:
- Screw it.
Time required – none.
Consequence – fail at life, but with sanity intact for not having lost thousands of dollars by accidentally writing a phone number on the back of a paper check, then recycling it.
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