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monkey on my back
By heather | March 26, 2008
It always amazes me how the simplest lessons reveal themselves.
This past weekend I was surfing around amazon, reading reviews of toasters.
I know. But I’m desperate.
Yes it was Saturday night, why do you ask? What do you do on Saturday nights?
Anyway, I add a toaster oven to my wish list, refresh, and lo! amazon has recommendations for me!
Look closely…freelance book, ayurveda book, child locator, workout video…huh?
Why are you telling me I need a child locator? Who you think you are amazon? Are you saying I can’t keep track of my child bizatch?
The child locater is a small plastic bear that you attach to your child’s shoe, assuming you aren’t so wasted at 9am that you forget to do this and can fasten it. Part two is a small keychain like device with a panic button of sorts.
Then when you lose your child at the bar in the crackhouse in the shopping mall you push the panic button, emitting a piercing alarm, scaring your child into hysterical tears and allowing you to stumble through the crowd and reclaim your heir.
Company name: MOMMY I’M HERE. On the NASDAQ as BDPRNT.
Also, it’s water resistant and makes 86 decibels of shriek, which is louder than your shriek when you realize that while you were busy calculating how much 30% off of $260 is your kid disappeared.
This of course assumes that you can find the tiny keychain thing-y - because if you can lose a kid, I’m betting that you probably don’t have a great handle on where your keys are.
Now the bigger question - why is this in my recommendations list?
I’ll admit that viewed objectively my recommendation list is pretty embarrassing in general - books with titles like “Being a Mommy Without Losing Yourself” (cringe) and lots of wacky and wonderful yoga/hippie style schwag. I’ve gone through phases purchasing items that could legitimately lead to recommendations like these.
Then I remember.
The leash.
Oh.
Amazon, you know me better than a lover.
Last month, I took Alex to a nature museum. This is what I saw of the nature museum.
And this…
And this picture, which really has nothing to do with this post but is a damn cute picture. (Chubby knees!)
I jokingly mused to my friend Kira, “Wouldn’t it be great if I had him on a leash?”
The idea took shape. I convinced myself that it would be great for him to run around while staying close enough that he wouldn’t knock into people or get stepped on, or hit by doors. Not that any of that happened in the 1 hour and 20 minutes that we were there.
With a leash, he’d be HAPPY! and FREE! Shed the shackles of the stroller!
I bought a monkey with a leash for tail. Call it what you will.
The first time we used it, we happily raced through the aisles of a furniture store. Until he realized that he was not at all unencumbered as previously thought. He screamed his head off. I felt like I was trying to heel a puppy and was a bad parent to boot.
I had good intentions.
Lesson learned: Some good intentions are just better acted out when there aren’t a lot of people around. Or anyone.
Topics: self improvement, this is why |
March 26th, 2008 at 1:46 pm
I find that Amazon feature sca-REE. But I’m intrigued by the kid locator, nonetheless.
rima’s last blog post..Paging Doctor Shakespeare
March 26th, 2008 at 2:47 pm
I saw a baby, a tiny baby, in a bar on a Friday night. Mommy was kickin it with her homies and little newborn baby was downing a Corona.
I guess thats California for you.
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March 26th, 2008 at 9:08 pm
Oh, dear. Your “lesson learned” made me chortle. But that monkey is so cute.
I was curious about my own recommendations. It was mostly toys. Don’t I feel like the great intellectual?
alejna’s last blog post..What’s on the menu?
March 30th, 2008 at 8:52 pm
we also have this wonderful leash, yet it has been untested in public. I’m too worried that he will shriek and draw attention to the fact that I have my child on a leash. (B/c I swore I would never be THAT parent, which I totally am!!)
It’s a big hit inside the house though.
Amazon is kind of like Big Brother–watching your every move!
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