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why i’m not pregnant in corporate america
By heather | March 31, 2008
Brett and I had a long discussion this weekend about parenting, pregnancy, babies, the definition of fun, and work in which he got a true taste of what goes on inside my head when I’m sans anxiety meds.
Yes, we are still married. Sometimes I think he is a saint to put up with me and my psychoses.
Anyway, a small part of our discussion was about how being pregnant changes the way people see you and how I wasn’t quite ready for that in my new job. If you are already a parent, then your personal life is just that. You may share small slices with your co-workers but it isn’t exactly on display coloring everything you do. When you’re pregnant, your personal life is expanding and growing right before their very eyes.
I still haven’t told anyone in our satellite office that I’m pregnant. Despite working for a family friendly company, when you work in a primarily male dominated field like I do, there are subtle changes that occur as soon as your co-workers find out.
For example, personal questions that I find weird and uncomfortable are no longer off limits. Like, are you going to breast feed? and What kind of birth did you have the first time?
Is it just me or are the images rendered by those question inappropriate for work discussion?
Do I ask you if you’re having trouble peeing as you get older? How’s that ED been treating you lately?
More insidious than being fodder for inappropriate questions is being left out of things. By things, I mean discussions and copied on emails about future projects. I don’t think it’s intentional, or maybe it is.
Once you tell your co-workers about your upcoming maternity leave 3-month vacation - ha - all of a sudden you stop being involved in the planning of projects that will execute near that time. You become someone who can’t be counted on.
It amazes me how many people, and this includes other women, just assume that you are no longer interested in work - the utmost thing on your mind is what color to paint the nursery.
If I’m not interested in the work being discussed, it’s more likely because a) the person managing it is an idiot b) it’s already been done c) it’s already been discussed to death or d) by the time you all stop talking and actually do it, it won’t matter anymore.
When assignments are being discussed and resources being figured, you are all of a sudden a non-starter. Maybe in some cases this is deserved, just last week I wrote about how I was torn between pitching for new business and just saying screw it. But even though I wrote it, I worked my ass off to the tune of approximately 14 extra UNPAID, uncounted hours to do it.
Or maybe the laissez-faire attitude comes from having no energy to fight for it. Just last week, someone I work with informed me that there really is no glass ceiling for women anymore - according to him, if a woman can run for president or run a company it just no longer exists.
I’ll give you a minute to absorb your outrage.
I thought about explaining that not all of us have connections and money like Hillary. Or despite the fact that I’m not Hillary’s biggest fan, she has worked hard. Or about the guilt you feel balancing a career and parenting. Or that research shows you are still judged as much on your looks as what you do.
I considered trying to describe the thought process behind deciding to go to the gym after work or going home to spend 2 hours with your child and the dissatisfaction you feel making either choice.
In the end, I said something along the lines of seeyalaterneedmorecoffeebye. I could have had a 30-minute discussion to try and convince this guy, but then I would have been late to daycare and subtracting time with Alex wasn’t worth it to me.
Because while the government mandates that I can’t be discriminated against, how do you explain my college roommate (who worked for a hospital) being sent off on maternity leave with nothing more than a buh-bye? No benefits, no short term disability, nothing.
Or why one of my former co-workers just assumed I was leaving to stay at home, not being able to hack it since having a child? Or why if I were in the military, FMLA wouldn’t apply to me and I’d be expected back at my desk with a smile exactly 6 weeks after giving birth? Or how a breastfeeding mother can be deployed just because her number came up?
If the implications of those things never even occurred to you, the world probably does look pretty rosy.
I’m not asking for affirmative action because I don’t think that does any good except enable a poor-me mentality. I’ve made a choice to work and I stand by it.
You know what you’re signing up for when you go in the military or when you take a job with benefits like that.
You come to expect the close minded assumptions.
That doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck.
I suppose all I’m asking for is to not make assumptions, unless you are going to assume that I can handle it and that I won’t just leave to go have a baby and not cover down.
In the meantime, I’ll let you keep guessing as to whether I’m just “letting myself go” (as someone asked me the other day) or if I’m really planning that 3-month vacation with stars and moons and teddy bears in my eyes.
Topics: work |
March 31st, 2008 at 2:45 pm
Auughh! We have so very far to go in this society. Meanwhile, in some European countries, your job is safeguarded for up to THREE YEARS after taking a leave of absence to have a child (although I wonder if the assumptions about the expectant mother’s work ethic are any different over there?)
You sound like a very dedicated, smart, and capable employee. The company you work for is lucky to have you, and I hope that the people who really count realize that.
March 31st, 2008 at 2:56 pm
I try to answer questions like that matter of factly. I’m determined that if anyone in the conversation is going to be uncomfortable it isn’t going to be me. So I’ll answer their question and then shoot it right back to them, almost trying to make them uncomfortable. I’ve been watching The Office seasons on Netflix lately. I hope and pray your office environment isn’t like that! The only real office environment I was in was when I worked for the Army as a Customer Service Rep for their payroll (sucked). I worked in an office of all women except two German men. It was interesting to see their viewpoint on gender issues.
Vicki’s last blog post..Accountability April
March 31st, 2008 at 6:28 pm
I was sent home to work 2 weeks before my due date because I was huge and my all male co-workers were terrified I would go into labor at work. Most of these men had kids and knew better, but I guess I looked miserable. Work was taken away from me slowly, I was almost treated like a tiny fragile china doll…oh no, she is pregnant, she can’t walk, she can’t carry a folder. That was a lot of the reason why I didn’t go back to work. I could have gone back, but in the fast paced life of contractorhood, my work had to be done by someone else while I was gone.
March 31st, 2008 at 8:18 pm
Oh my! there is a whole lot going on there that I wish I had time to respond to. I hate that you (we) have to spend so much energy on all that CRAP. Because that’s what it is. Bullshit. But it’s there and you have to deal with it. It sounds like you are doing the best you can. Keep it up. We hear you and admire you: )
Sarah in Disturbia’s last blog post..Another Meme
March 31st, 2008 at 8:35 pm
I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that glass-ceiling-doesn’t-exist guy is either a) not married, b) married to a moron, or c) ***********. Whichever it is, he deserves a swift kick in the teeth. And, as long as we’re using the presidency as a benchmark for all of society — all men must be sleeping with their young-attractive associate. A Clinton did it, so I must be true, right?? You might as well base socioeconomic theory on whether or not Britney Spears is wearing underwear. Ugh, what an idiot.
April 1st, 2008 at 3:17 pm
Yes - what a long, long way we have to go with judgments in the work environment. When did we start focusing on people’s family statuses or whether someone is pregnant or not, for heaven’s sake, instead of focusing on RESULTS??? This is completely ludicrous.
Time to make change - who’s up for it?!
Cali Ressler and Jody Thompson
Creators of the Results-Only Work Environment (ROWE)
Authors of the forthcoming book “Why Work Sucks and How to Fix It”
October 23rd, 2008 at 1:31 am
Thank you for writing this! I am currently working in an all male environment and am terrified to tell them that I am pregnant. I’ve only worked at this job for 5 months, but have worked my butt off. I’m currently only 9 wks, so way too soon to tell. I dread the day I have to share. Hopefully, everything will work out!