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is this how it’s supposed to be?
By heather | October 15, 2008
Three months ago, I was afraid of my son.
I didn’t know him, and I certainly didn’t know what to do with him.
Our time together was crunched into the hours between 5 and 7 along with cooking, eating, playtime, bathtime, pajamas, gotosleep. It was the playtime that I feared. How do you play with someone who won’t settle down and is instead grabbing cords and remote controls and cell phones and slamming cabinets? Why won’t you sit and read a story with me? With so little time, it had to be perfect and special and everyone needed to be happy. Except I wasn’t. I’d used up all my patience on work and it seemed a little peace and quiet shouldn’t be too much to ask.
And he wasn’t happy either, clinging to my leg while I tried to check off boxes on the to-do list to make it to bedtime having done everything I was supposed to didn’t satisfy him and instead touched off an insatiable need that I couldn’t meet.
Our time was so limited that I wanted every minute we were together to be give and take and perfect but instead it worked in reverse – the harder I tried the more tantrums and fits he threw.
I realized that we are all calmer and happier since I’ve been here to get to know him. When he says “ownafooor mama!” I know he means “On the floor, mama!” It took almost the whole three months but we’ve settled into a routine that both of us find comforting.
I truly believe another pregnancy, even if I couldn’t fathom another baby when I realized I was pregnant last year -was bestowed upon me to force me to work things out and redefine the order of importance i assign to things. It happened to give me confidence as a mother that I lacked and didn’t even realize I didn’t have until I found it.
With Emily Kate, I rediscovered all those things that you forget about babies – the coos and laughs and the determined expressions as she holds up her head or digs her feet into your belly. The crossed eyes as she stares at her fingers while trying to suck them at the same time.
I loved our relaxed schedule – the people at Dunkin Donuts don’t judge me if I come at 10 instead of 9 to get my coffee.
I’ve always thought that I couldn’t stay home, that I needed a fast pace and adult conversation and praise for my efforts. I needed the security that comes with making my own money.
Believe it or not, I still think so.
I like having solid blocks of time that are relatively uninterruped to accomplish things. I’m not sure it’s enough to feel needed by two babies but not professionally. Sometimes I think that my career can wait but there is a small part of me that doesn’t want to have to start over or explain where I’ve been for the last few years.
I don’t like having to clock 40 hours when I get my work done in 30.
Or having to explain and feel guilty for taking off for a doctors appointment.
I will be the first to insist that I have choices, the opportunity to decide for myself. But I am the first to find myself paralyzed by having to make choices.
The obvious solution is part time work, except none exists doing what I do.
The doing it all image is seductive isn’t it? Except when it’s not anymore.
Topics: deep thoughts...or not | 2 Comments »
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October 15th, 2008 at 11:21 pm
I won’t sugar coat things by saying staying at home is easy, it’s not–especially when you have such a desire to be productive in a work environment. My suggestion would be to really brainstorm the freelancing angle and what you could do at home. If you find something that fulfills you at home, or even just keeps you current in your field then you won’t have to worry about fitting back into a work environment when you’re ready.
Staying at home, as you’ve found, can be very rewarding in many aspects. You can pick my brain about what to do while staying home and the challenges I’ve faced and you can talk to Du about the financial aspects.
Vicki’s last blog post..Ambition
October 17th, 2008 at 11:56 am
What a tough subject. Wish I had an answer. I’m working part time now and it’s working out well for me. Sometimes I wish I were working full time though, it’d be nice to have that income again although I’m pretty sure I’d feel a lot more stressed. I do appreciate focusing my attention on one thing for longer blocks of time. Well see how things go, I might have to work more in the future.
Sounds like part time or freelance isn’t really an option so give yourself a break and try not to over think things. Unless you’re really contemplating staying at home.
skiplovey’s last blog post..A lady never tells