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hello you
By heather | October 20, 2008
So I am back at work. The land of florescent lighting, windowless offices, and clock watching has welcomed me back as if I never tried to defect. The smell is the same – that depressing combination of ambition and boredom and burnt coffee. Smiling Glamour$hots of 50-something wives and ambitious slogans decorate desks as I stumble through cube cities.
At the end of last week, I was wound so tight that I thought my head might fly off. I made it to the gym on Saturday morning to try and burn off some anxiety and succeeded by the end of a cycle class in which I found myself simultaneously having a panic attack and crying to what I think was a Gwar song.
To put it mildly, I am having somewhat of a “transition period”.
Each day I try to get out of the house balancing a baby, a breast pump, a purse the size of the mothership, shoes that fit (for later when I can no longer handle the pointy stilettos for one more second), snacks, workout clothes (why? I have no idea because the odds of working out are low, low, low), a two-year old, and a coffee.
Each day I get up a little earlier in hopes of making it in by 8:30.
Each day I fail.
Funny enough, I am not that concerned. Part of me feels like I’m floating, like this is a temporary detour until I can get back to doing whatever I’ve been doing for the last three months. There is a detached me observing my very stressed self making choices – like choosing to play with the kids in the morning versus rushing to get to work or choosing to skip the workout and rush home instead.
It’s as if once I’m successful at getting to work on time, then my leave is REALLY over (like really REALLY for real over) and only then will it be time to get serious.
Hmm.
It is my stressed self that breaks down to the strains of death metal.
It is my detached self that forgets to put gas in the car.
Stressed self heaves sighs of annoyance at the quality of tasks completed that have been done by someone else.
Detached self is thankful when she can lay on the sofa while someone else does things.
Stressed self freaks when she isn’t in bed by 9:30.
Detached self sits there blogging without a second thought for how tired stressed self will be the next morning when the alarm goes off at 5:45 5:30 5:15.
I think we can be pretty certain that if I were to stay home full time I would not have the immaculate house and nutritious meals I was always conviced I could pull off. In fact, the house is cleaner now that we’re not there to mess it up all day which makes stressed self very happy.
So where does that leave things? Perhaps, as I’ve been preaching and preached to for years now, we are just taking it day by day.
Approaching a point break maybe, but doing it day by day. It’s really not so bad.
Topics: baby stuff, deep thoughts...or not, work | 4 Comments »
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October 20th, 2008 at 1:07 pm
I remember going back to work after having the boys. What stands out the most was the actual physical pain and longing at being away from them.
Now that they are 7 and 2 I lock myself in the bathroom to get away from them.
Honeybell’s last blog post..It’s Half Empty I Tell You!
October 20th, 2008 at 1:40 pm
You rock. Seriousy. I am so impressed.
October 22nd, 2008 at 11:27 am
[...] hello you [...]
October 29th, 2008 at 9:32 am
[...] hello you [...]