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let’s play dress up
By heather | November 26, 2008
Nothing erases your misplaced optimism like pawing through a closet full of old formal dresses.
But first, I should back up. Not only has Thanksgiving snuck up on me, but our company’s VERY fancy holiday party is right on its heels. Before we signed up to go, I did all the necessary legwork. I convinced suckered my friend Stacey into babysitting. I cross checked all the calendars to ensure there were no conflicting events. Brett and I had a conversation that went something like this.
me: Do you want to go to the holiday party?
him: I don’t know, do you?
me: I have to buy a dress if we go.
him: So? What’s that, $50? If we go, we sit with my team. We sat with your team last year.
me (smirking): Fine, we’ll go.
him: Are you sure you want to?
me: I don’t know, do you?
The enthusiasm, she overwhelms. Where was I?
Right. Formal dresses.
News flash: formal dresses - when you are pushing your mid-thirties, have just had a second baby, would like some fabric other than cheap, sweaty polyester dipped in formaldehyde dye, and do not wish to shop at The Deb – cost more than $50. And since I’ve left the party dress shopping until the last minute, there is not a lot of time to be picky.
Enter stage right the brilliant idea to ***Wear something I already own!!***
Enter stage left:
- Black tank style sparkly bridesmaid dress
- Navy blue satin-y bridesmaid dress
- Wine colored, cocktail length, WTF was I thinking when I purchased this dress
- Black dress from college formal with a NSFW neckline
Hmmm.
We can rule out #3 right away because once I saw the pictures from the last time I wore it (to a wedding), I knew I never would again. Which is why, when I spilled an entire glass of wine down my front and it smelled like I’d been rolling on the floor of a bar, I tossed it right in the washer instead of bothering to have it dry-cleaned. And wouldn’t you know it, that thing came out of the washer as good as new.
#1 seemed promising. Too bad that pregnancy not only widened my hips and grew my feet but also stretched my torso to the point that the waistline is now an empire waste and boy is that unflattering when you also have extra boob squeezing out your armpits. I look like a Weeble. Next!
Navy blue bridesmaid dress zipped up and didn’t look too bad but as I pranced around I remembered why I don’t do strapless. I am so uncomfortable in strapless dresses waiting for an inadvertent reveal that I looked like I was on drugs. Plus it was tight, and these formal things usually have excellent dinners, which I would like to be able to eat. And cake! I bet there will cake!
#4 I bought it for a formal in college and have since worn it more than enough times to get my money’s worth. Never to work-do’s though, because when I bend forward you can almost see my belly button. The cleavage this dress induces will go a long way toward erasing the polished, together, take no prisoners act that I attempt on a daily basis. (Although maybe that image is already fading after the other day when I caught the heel of my shoe in the hem of my pants and almost spilled an entire can of Diet Pepsi on someone’s desk as I tripped.)
It’s easy to pretend you wear the same size you did five years ago when you wear dress pants and Ann Taylor sweaters every day. It’s also easy to pretend that you could still zip up your wedding dress, but you haven’t because you don’t want to remove it from it’s protective packaging.
Trying on dresses that have no business still living in your closet? That right there is a cold, hard slap of reality.
(As a preemptive note, I will be without Internet for FOUR DAYS. Moment of silence… So if I don’t respond to your comment right away, that’s why – it will be read and responded to when I get back, likely with shaky typing fingers and hallucinations from blog withdrawal.)
Topics: fashion, holidays, self improvement | 6 Comments »
Tags: holiday parties, my dress won't zip
November 26th, 2008 at 11:07 am
Um . . . pictures?
Honeybell’s last blog post..How Stupidity, Poop, and My Boobs Saved Me $100*
November 26th, 2008 at 3:27 pm
Would it be possible to slip a strapless tank under dress #4 maybe in a fun color. I do this to some dresses that aren’t family dinner appropriate and then just slip the tank off after when I go out with my friends.
SeaBreeze’s last blog post..In A Funk. The Merits of Swimming?
November 29th, 2008 at 12:06 am
This, my friend, is called dress depression. The only way to cure it is to visit a cute little boutique and pick out a fabulous new dress for your new figure, however it may have changed. Then you’ll feel completely confident and butt-kicky while scarfing down all the delicious food.
Vicki’s last blog post..A visual reminder
November 29th, 2008 at 11:16 am
I get such a kick out of looking at old dresses in my closet. Mine are so bad, they actually have a layer of dust on them. Why do we even bother to keep them?
krissy’s last blog post..Black Friday
November 30th, 2008 at 11:03 am
It’s posts like this that make me wonder if there are hidden cameras in my house.
I have a Celadon ciffon overlay BM dress you’re welcome to.
How about a black and white halter-style prom dress?
Blue Jessica McClintock that is the exact color of a Nestle Crunch wrapper?
No?
Oh2122′s last blog post..Thankful
December 4th, 2008 at 4:55 pm
[...] I still have no dress for the party which is now TWO DAYS away. I waffle, and I waver as I weigh my [...]