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damn you mandatory fun
By heather | December 4, 2008
So I still have no dress for the party which is now TWO DAYS away. I waffle, and I waver as I weigh my options.
I could wear the only dress that fits and head off a boob disaster by putting a camisole under it, but if I wear that one I also need a girdle so if I’m going shopping anyway I might as well…
Try to find the time to visit just one! more! store! after failed visits to three large department stores, two discount department stores, and a Fashion Bug of all places (note to self: FB=tacky, no wonder they are going out of business), OR
Wear the exact same outfit of velvet pants and dressy top that I felt underdressed in last year.
It is times like this that I wish I were a guy because the amount of time Brett has spent contemplating his holiday party outfit and worrying about how he’s going to hobble around in 3 inch heels that are a size too small because he is too cheap to buy shoes AND a dress is approximately ZERO.
I’ve got to be honest here, I’m leaning toward wearing the same outfit because even if I feel underdressed, those velvet pants are like pajama bottoms, which equals lot of room for cake and alcohol. Plus everyone will be jealous of my obvious comfort level as they slowly strain the seams of their bridesmaid dresses.
Staying true to myself, I’ve also gone and compounded the potential for disaster by 1) making an appointment at the MAC counter to get my makeup done and 2) contemplating going and getting a spray tan to offset the leftover baby chubby, because everyone knows that fat rolls look better and muscles (what are they?) look more defined WHEN THEY ARE TAN.
And because when you’re uncomfortable in your clothes, what better way to feel worse than with a streaky, unnatural orange glow under a faceful of makeup that looks like you ran into a box of Crayolas?
This is also the season of client holiday parties, a.k.a. mandatory fun. Last week we were “reminded” by our team leads to “enjoy our customer’s holiday festivities, but remember not to charge your time while partaking in party activities”.
In that spirit I ask you, does anyone ACTUALLY WANT to participate in potlucks if it prolongs the workday by another 90 minutes? I used to, back before I was saddled with the guilt of a working mother. Now a potluck means the client enjoys three hours of slinging food that I prepared into their pieholes while I show my face, grab a few noodles from one of the fifteen different kinds of pasta salad, and race back to my desk to eat it.
The last few years of potlucks have found me signing up to bring a dish, then forgetting about it until either 10pm the night before or more likely the morning of when all my co-workers start slogging in with CrockPots and cookie platters.
This year, thanks to my new food porn site and before my stressed elf side kicked in (which it obviously has), I was going to make this delicious looking stuffing. Then I checked the list today and discovered that even though I signed up first (FIRST!!) someone else who doesn’t even know me or my dismal cooking abilities stepped right all over my toes and signed up to bring…stuffing. Asshat.
So screw you, now I’m bringing a veggie tray and you can feel guilty with all those carrots and celery sticks staring you in the face while you ingest 10,000 calories worth of mashed potatoes that you might as well have smeared directly on your ass.
I must admit, just writing this made me feel better, and a vodka tonic or two three will go a long way toward erasing any discomfort about being underdressed. So jammy bottoms, pale skin, and hooker face it will be…
Happy freakin’ holidays!
Topics: holidays, self improvement, work | 5 Comments »
Tags: crayola makeup, mandatory fun, potluck suck
December 4th, 2008 at 6:52 pm
Are you drunk RIGHT NOW? Because this was an awesome ranty post.
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December 4th, 2008 at 8:32 pm
You could wear a potato sack and look good. Plus an hour into an office party, everyone is drunk and doesn’t care what you have on.
December 4th, 2008 at 9:26 pm
I’m with Steph. Unless you are the bride at a wedding, people are all way to concerned about how they themselves look to really care about what anyone else is wearing.
Do the glamour pants have an elastic waistband? That would also be a huge plus.
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December 6th, 2008 at 3:21 am
i’ll file this under “things that make me happy my hubby and I don’t have office parties”
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January 16th, 2009 at 5:14 am
Hahha! That food porn site is amazing
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