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martinis make it better
By heather | December 9, 2008
So I was going to write this post yesterday, but I knew that all two of you would clamor for pictures and I didn’t have any to post.
You’re wondering…how was the holiday party? Did you get a dress? Let’s see your fabulous professional makeup job! We must have closure!
For you, I will.
The party: As is the norm at these things, there was the requisite old man in a tuxedo clapping his hands and hopping from foot to foot while Beyonce ordered him to “put a ring on it”. He came accessorized by the typical slightly double-chinned wife in a sparkly floor length gown, with sparkly jacket thingy over it and tan pantyhose peeking out open toed soft sole shoes. I’m sure you know him, he has been at every suburban wedding you’ve ever attended.
There was enough cleavage on display, and in ample amounts, that I could easily have saved myself the approximately six hours I shopped last week and will never get back as I ping ponged from store to store looking for a non-busty dress. There was however, a distinct lack of body glitter, which must mean I’m growing up.
There was a good buffet, A CHOCOLATE FOUNTAIN, and an open bar stocked with top shelf liquor. Which was really all I needed to get past the fact that one of my male bosses drinks straight up peach schnapps, and the fact that one of Brett’s old, male co-workers tried to involve me in a conversation about Kegels (“200 a day!”, he says, as I reach for my fourth martini.)
The dress: Plum. Floor length and festive. Machine washable. A size smaller than I thought I needed, I tried it on a whim and it just so happened to fit. Tightly. It was on sale. It required a scary girdle thing, the cost of which almost offset the sale price. (Did you have any idea how expensive heavy duty undergarments are???)
The makeup: Oh the makeup. I’ve always had this fantasy that professional makeup would magically transform me. It transformed me all right. First the “artiste” was 20 minutes late. Then, she kept leaving me to go and ring up other customers.
Rule number one of getting your makeup done: DO NOT LOOK IN THE MIRROR UNTIL IT’S ALL OVER.
Because you will see scary, hairy, drawn on eyebrows and some red looking eyeliner under your eyes, concealer on your nose, red blotchy patches everywhere else and you will want to run, but you can’t because in for a dollar and all that, plus if someone saw you walking through the mall looking that way they would be totally justified in following you to make sure you weren’t looking for small children to scare.
So here I am, sitting in the middle of the department store across from the Christmas sweatshirts while elderly patrons browse for the red one with a kitten wearing a Santa hat batting a green ball of yarn, and my hair looks like a rat’s nest and there is no “artiste” in sight and I look quite like a small child who’s errantly gotten a hold of mommy’s mascara. Not quite as glamourous as I imagined.
It took TWO HOURS.
And then I got home and instead of the “Welcome-home- America’s-Next-Top-Model-for-you-are-transformed” reaction I was hoping for, Alex stared at me and Brett said, “You have on A LOT of eye makeup.” And then Alex swung a piece of paper near my face and it caught the very edge of my false eyelash (oh yes I did) and almost knocked it off which would have been a DISASTER.
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Before we left I insisted we take a family picture, which Alex scooted out of just as the shutter clicked, and then Emily Kate spit up on my (luckily, machine washable) dress.
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| …and there is my boob almost falling out |
We got to the party a mere 45 minutes late, and I started with a delicious concoction of vodka, amaretto, sours mix, grenadine, and Sierra Mist and all was right with the world.
Although I make fun, it WAS fun – enough fun that I ALMOST broke my rule of not dancing at corporate functions, because I truly believe that if I am drunk enough to be a good dancer I am making a total ass of myself when I am NOT on the dance floor. Words to live by.
Topics: fashion, holidays, this is why, Uncategorized, work | 8 Comments »
Tags: holiday parties, homemade concoctions, scary makeup, scary undergarments
December 9th, 2008 at 1:31 pm
You look fantastic!
Honeybell’s last blog post..And Then, My Nurse’s Heart Wept
December 9th, 2008 at 2:21 pm
You look great…glad you had a fun night out.
December 9th, 2008 at 3:02 pm
Cute family! Nice dress.
Kristen’s last blog post..Fight! Fight! Fight!
December 9th, 2008 at 4:45 pm
The last party I went to had a chocolate fountain. I didn’t even touch it. Why? OPEN. BAR.
You look fabulous doll. Simply fabulous.
Miss’s last blog post..I’m in love
December 9th, 2008 at 6:49 pm
You look mahvelous! Definitely worth it to go shopping. and you just confirmed my worst fear about getting my makeup done at the Mac counter. Two hours? Worst.
December 9th, 2008 at 9:22 pm
You look smashing! And I love the color of your dress.
rimarama’s last blog post..A Lesson to Live By
December 9th, 2008 at 11:20 pm
You’re beautiful always, but here you look amazing. Oh, I’m so going the teen look with the body glitter. I don’t think I’m going for the tan so there’s got to be something on my decolletage or arms or something to distract from the blazing white coming forth from below. And I don’t drink…so I can dance (I can physically dance, whether I’m good or not remains to be seen).
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December 10th, 2008 at 12:26 am
oh, i am all about the dance floor, but alas…
you look lovely, and the color of that dress is divine
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