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at least i’m off to a good start
By heather | January 5, 2009
Despite my best intentions, I’m finding myself caught up in the whole “New Year, New You!” resolution list making. I don’t like to make to-do lists unless I’ve already done at least one item on it, so that I can immediately cross if off and feel good about my accomplishment.
So while everyone else was making lists, I was typing an email to my boss asking to go part-time. Part-time work is generally not available in my field and there is an excellent chance that someone in the approval chain will say no. I guess I’ll deal with that if it happens. Probably with booze and Zoloft.
I had a part time situation temporarily after Alex was born and it made such a huge difference in my psyche. And considering I’ve essentially spent the last two years:
a) bitching and complaining about how haaaaaarrrrdd it is working full time
b) calculating the number of hours I spend commuting and working vs. with my kids (10 – 2 for the record)
c) crying over all the missed moments (see above)
d) testing out stress management techniques (including anti-depressants)
e) rushing
f) being tired and impatient with the kids I waited all day to see
f) wishing I worked part time so I could have a little breathing room
g) all of the above
I figured I might as well ask.
After a few false starts, I managed to write the email today and keep it professional without disintegrating into a begging heap of sobbing, horomonal mommy tears. I think.
Such a simple thing really, but for so long I didn’t do it. Because you see, one of my coping mechanisms is to keep work and home separate. So when I’m at work, I try not to spend all day ruminating and wondering what the kids are doing. And when I’m home, I try not to think about work and the timing just wasn’t right and maybe next month…
Also procrastination. I’ll be working on that one as part of my other resolutions. Later.
My other coping mechanism is to feed off praise. I’ll freely admit that being asked to take on more responsibility because “you’re a rising star” and having compliments heaped on professionally is an ego boost, so then I hesitate to say no or ask for anything that might be perceived as “not handling it”. (Want to get me to do something? Tell me I’m pretty. Or smart. Or that you’ll be working for me someday.)
External validation came fast and furious every time I started to pull back professionally and then my brain wouldn’t let me ask. Eventually it felt like the episode of Friends where Chandler wants to quit the gym, but he knows he’s going to get the hard sell and all he can do is stammer, “I wanna quit the gym!”. Half my brain was giving me the hard sell to keep pushing and pushing, but the other part was mumbling, “I wanna go part time!”
I lay awake last night thinking that Emily Kate and Alex won’t really remember if Mommy got a 5-star review, but they will eventually remember how cranky she was all the damn time. It took two weeks of holidays and tiny teeth and kiddie giggles for me to realize that no matter how powerful and good I feel when reacting to work crises, I DON’T LIKE ME. (Note to self when re-reading this: I DON’T LIKE YOU IN WORK MODE.)
I’m bitchy, I swear worse than a sailor, I have to sit on my hands so that I don’t do things for Alex that he wants to do himself but will take 5 minutes instead of thirty seconds, I’m impatient and tense and generally annoyed by the world.
That’s why I had to do it today, before the hard sell started again.
So I did. And you better believe when I write down the rest of my resolutions, item #1 will be:
- Email boss and ask about part time.
Topics: work | 8 Comments »
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January 6th, 2009 at 12:19 am
Good for you. How are you preparing for the response, either positive or negative?
I think recognizing what is making us the unhappy person we hate to be is the first step. The hardest thing is doing something about it. I’m going through that same thing right now.
Vicki’s last blog post..My Love/Hate
January 6th, 2009 at 12:57 am
That is a very fine way to start your list. I really hope that you can get a part-time option.
alejna’s last blog post..right from the start
January 6th, 2009 at 12:09 pm
Really hope that they let you do the part time thing, that would be so great. I can hardly imagine doing full time, I think I would be a total grump.
January 6th, 2009 at 4:25 pm
That little trick about putting a resolution you’ve already done on our list would have really helped me out if I’d known about it before composing my list of 25 resolutions. Dang. But I’m well on my way . . .
rimarama’s last blog post..The Haps Chez Rama
January 6th, 2009 at 4:26 pm
Oh! And I really hope they let you go PT, too! Keeping my fingers crossed!
rimarama’s last blog post..The Haps Chez Rama
January 6th, 2009 at 6:05 pm
Hear anything yet? I hope they work with you on this. Stressed mommy is not fun mommy! *hug*
Miss’s last blog post..Modern Mom Challenge – The Kick Off
January 29th, 2009 at 12:14 pm
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