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i better not be turning into meredith grey
By heather | January 8, 2009
Grey’s Anatomy was one of my most favorite shows for a while. I clapped with childish glee when Mer got her man and was so! sad! that her and Derek never had happy, perfect love. Then she just kept effing it up, and waffling and effing it up some more – like she was screwing up her life purposely for TV ratings or something.
I started to get annoyed. I wanted to tell her to get over herself and her stupid drama and quit whining about her prAAHHHblems already. Now I watch for the express purpose of getting annoyed at her and yelling at the TV, “Just SHUT UP already!”
This has been somewhat of a drama filled week. After Monday’s entry where I started plowing through 2009 GOING AFTER WHAT I WANT, I’ve lost a little steam. My boss was surprisingly great about the part time thing, and very supportive. Boss #2 was a little less so, with talk about ‘what we do for one person we have to do for everyone’ which kind of makes me want to scream.
Because it wasn’t this theoretical “EVERYONE” that did the research, worked out a plan to make it happen, and most importantly ASKED to go part time – IT WAS ME. ME!
Are we not adults, instead of kids in a candy store who don’t know what we want until we see what someone else has? And then pointing at the other kids ice cream and complaining that he has a bigger scoop so then everyone has to give back their ice cream so the whiner in the corner doesn’t get upset?
(And yes, I know the answer but it makes for a good rant.)
The fear I had about losing my professional edge by appearing to not be able to hack it as a both mom and full-time employee was immediately realized. Whether intentional or accidental, for reasons unknown I was left off the invite to an after hours dinner with a bunch of partners that is happening next week. I was on the conference call where they talked about it, and I am always invited to these to-dos. I usually go, but I don’t particularly want to go to this one, so there is really no reason to ask other than a perverse curiousity about whether I was purposely not invited.
Bottom line is, I got my way. Sort of. They haven’t said I CAN’T do it, so I’m doing it until someone tells me not to.
Tuesday’s entry was going to be about my plan to get back in shape. Then my grandma died Tuesday morning and I found myself unable to write a word. I couldn’t even post a status update on Facebook because everything I thought of seemed insignificant and stupid.
And I had road-terror, which is like road rage but in reverse, where every stupid driver is out to get me and by the time I arrive at my destination I’m jumping out of my skin.
Today I found out a friend of mine lost her baby, at 5 months pregnant. After I talked to her, I found myself wandering around the house, staring at my sleeping kids who I am so lucky to have healthy and happy (and with easy pregnancies and deliveries to boot); and thinking, “Why not me?”
Sometimes I think that things are too perfect, and I don’t really appreciate how perfect and easy I have it. Every aspect of my life could be much worse in a million different ways. So why isn’t it? Why do I find myself acting like Merideth-freaking-Grey making everything more difficult than it needs to be? She annoys me, and I wonder just how annoying I am.
It’s January and I always have to make a special anti-funk effort this month anyway, just because it’s nasty and rainy outside and my skin is dry and…and…and see there it is. Annoying, no?
Someone tell me a joke. Or smack me upside the head. Because I don’t want to become that whiny bitch.
Topics: deep thoughts...or not, self improvement | 2 Comments »
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January 9th, 2009 at 12:05 am
I’m so sorry to hear about your grandmother, Heather. I don’t know why, but when it rains, it pours. I often feel that way too, wondering how I ever got so lucky and how is it possible for me to still manage to find things to complain about. But pain and emotional stress is all relative. Everyone hurts, and you don’t have to make excuses for that.
I hope things start looking up soon . . .
rimarama’s last blog post..Swimming In the Deep End
January 9th, 2009 at 7:23 pm
So sorry to hear about your loss. I think even when we know how very fortunate we are, especially given other people’s losses and situations, it’s hard to feel that way all the time. Take all the time you need to grieve, in whatever way you need to do it.