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ugh
By heather | January 29, 2009
Today and for the past two weeks there has been a big gray fog where my brain should be. I don’t know how you all that have writing jobs still have the energy to write blogs.
I always suspected that I could be a published writer – the real kind of published writer, not the kind who pushes the “Publish” button on WordPress and calls it a day. Unfortunately, the last few weeks of working on a huge technical writing project have caged my freelance dreams forever.
I suck at this. Yes I can put words down on paper and make them sound good. It just takes FOREVER. When I have to write, I don’t really like writing and it sucks the life out of the fun blog kind of writing.
Yes I love - REALLY LOVE - working from home. I just procrastinate with the best of them so by the time I get started I’ve lost a good chunk of the day. And then just when I get my groove going…OOH! I have to pee! And on the way to the bathroom I fold some laundry and empty the trash and…lose 45 minutes.
I don’t get to work from home every day – in fact I’m still going to my client site most days, then working after the kids go to bed and on weekends.
This is problematic, because I am not the kind of person who just gets tired when I go to bed too late. I become irrational, whiny, cranky, tearful and flat-out mean. Now I understand why my mom hated it when I had sleepovers.
This morning I was laying on the bed in a heap and Alex bounced in – full of energy from having a solid 6 hours more of sleep than I did – and accidentally kicked me in the eye so hard I saw stars and burst into tears. It didn’t actually hurt enough to warrant tears – certainly it didn’t compare to the time I gave myself a concussion – but goddammit I was just so tired.
The part-time conversation that I finally got up the courage to have with my boss feels like a dreamy haze. I’ve moved through all the stages of having too much work and not enough time:
- denial: a stage filled with panicky, high pitched screeches about how I can’t do it! I can’t! I won’t! Work-life balance!! BALANCE!
- buckle down: this is when you give in and give up all your free time and lose sleep to get it done
- guilt: for feeling like when you have a work lull, you don’t actually want to go to the playground – you really want to go get a massage. By yourself.
- resentment: why the hell am I doing this anyway?
- resignment: at some point, this project will be done if I don’t off myself in the meantime
I think resignment is where most of the team is now. It’s certainly where I am. With 4 hours of sleep and a venti Starbucks latte keeping me going, I’m not exactly funtioning at my peak. I am sitting up, barely. I am chewing gum and typing at the same time and that feels like a great accomplishement.
Once the project is done, sealed and sent then I’ll segue into giddy. Closely followed by drunk. It can’t be soon enough.
Topics: work | 5 Comments »
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January 29th, 2009 at 2:16 pm
I second that emotion! I quit early last night, and today is the first day I was able to drag my a$$ out of bed no greater than an hour after the alarm clock went off. I pat myself on the back.
Good luck!
January 29th, 2009 at 4:47 pm
And I thought it was bad when I had to work into the wee hours to meet my part time occasional freelance deadlines! I really feel for you there.
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January 30th, 2009 at 10:11 am
You’re so cool…
January 30th, 2009 at 1:47 pm
Ugh is right, that sounds awful. working from home is hard cuz it’s always right there and you never feel like you can clock out.
February 1st, 2009 at 10:42 am
Wow – this really resonates.
Work-Life Balance indeed.
I sometimes wonder if we’re capable of ‘balance’
I want to believe it. I hope to attain it.
But then I fear that
balance = life – passion.
Passion for work, family, writing, athletic enterprise, whatever– it drives you to want to jump in — balls to the wall as it were — and foresake everything else.
I actually LOVE it when I’m so entrenched in a project.
But do note the other parts of my life – yes my beloved SLEEP included — goes to hell in a hand basket.
Doing what you love is great.
Suffering / struggle with your art — that makes it all the more satisfying when you successfuly complete a milestone.
The hard part is the deciding the 1,2,3…8 things you love most and focusing on those while giving yourself some ’slack’ while you transition your focus from one to other.
ahhhh but I ramble.
just wanted to say – great post & thanks.
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