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waiting
By heather | July 22, 2009
I re-read that entry about our daycare troubles and it was good for me, it reminded me of why I blog and also reminded me to hold fast to the beliefs and feelings that will help me do what’s right in the long run for my kids.
Shortly after I wrote it, I had a very frank talk with our daycare provider, in which I asked her to define her line. I wanted to know her limit in terms of what she was willing to put up with and I made it very clear that my line had been crossed.
Yes, Alex has hit and pushed Emily Kate but to me that isn’t even a consideration – it is my responsibility and my right as his parent to discipline him the way I see fit when he hits. I have no control over disciplining this other child, nor should I, and wanted to make it clear that I was losing faith in our provider’s ability to keep my kids safe around him. It turned out her line had been crossed a long time ago but she had yet to do anything about it.
I also made it clear that the benefits of a home daycare versus a center were still important to us but that I felt the benefits, including personalized attention and teaching, were being eroded because of this one child hurting other children and behaving in a way that my kids were starting to imitate at home.
After some thought, she asked me in a very nice way, if this was an ultimatum. I answered that I wasn’t going to tell her how to run her business and that it wasn’t something I was prepared to do that day, but that yes I would be looking elsewhere for care if things didn’t drastically change.
As a result, this child has been put on three weeks probation with a re-evaluation at the end. The mom, who is out of school for the summer, agreed to keep him home with her two days a week and “work on his issues”. You can insert your own commentary here, but I know from my facebook stalking that she is certainly keeping busy the other three days, while he is at daycare terrorizing my kids.
At the end of the first week of “probation” Alex came home with this:
A bite. The third time and that’s not even counting the times the other kids have been bit.
It is the second week of probation and I’ve started to look at some options for alternate care, probably a nursery school for Alex and who knows what for Emily Kate. I feel sick every time this other child has a “good day” or even a day that isn’t “totally-horrendous-get-him-out-of-here”, for fear it will prolong answering the question of whether he’s staying or going.
I want this child kicked out, but if I’m totally honest I’m not sure it’s the only acceptable outcome. If he stays I’m not sure what we’ll do because until now we’ve been thrilled with our situation. The one thing that made it easier to be a working mom was having daycare I was entirely happy with.
A new daycare would mean a huge change for our family, and it will fracture or sever a relationship with someone who has become very important to me over the last two and a half years, not only from watching my kids but as a friend. Alex and Emily Kate likely won’t get to spend every day together like they do now, because I can’t see us finding another home daycare situation for both kids.
I am tempted, while the probation period continues, to take time off of work and keep the kids home with me on the days this child is there, and the unfairness of having to do that causes black clouds to roll across my brain. Taking them to daycare almost feels like I’m using them for bait – if my kids aren’t there he only has one or two other children to pick on and will be less likely to act up, resulting in more of those good days that I don’t want him to have.
We just got back from a week of vacation visiting family and having had both kids in my shadow for the last 10 days has made this whole thing even more personal. Seeing how much stress Alex was carrying and watching him unwind was eye-opening and heart sickening. But from the hugs he gave Miss S yesterday, he loves her so much that I wonder if moving him would be more stressful.
So now we wait and see.
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July 22nd, 2009 at 3:19 pm
Wow, tough decisions. But definitely you are making the right choice. If the daycare provider can’t guarantee the safety of your children then you ought to move them. It’s sad that she can’t see how much the other child is hurting (physically and emotionally) the other kids. And it’s really sad that the other mother doesn’t see it either.
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July 22nd, 2009 at 4:52 pm
I think that needs to be the last straw for Miss S…I mean this has pretty much said that things aren’t getting better. I don’t think she will let you pull them out without getting the demon spawn out first. I feel sorry for this kid, but you need to do what is best for yours. I think you need to be really straight forward and say this was it, unless he goes, I go.
July 23rd, 2009 at 8:43 am
Stop waiting. Do what’s right for your kids. And if you are persistent, there’s no reason you can’t find another quality home daycare that can take both of your children. Right now is a hard time for family daycare, lots of openings that people can’t afford to fill. Start asking around. If this is affecting your child emotionally, that could have permanent damage. And while he will miss his old teacher, he will love the new one you pick out for him too.
Go, don’t delay. The daycare provider is going to do whatever she can to work with the other parent. You’ll be the one to lose here.
July 23rd, 2009 at 12:55 pm
AUGH! Poor Alex! That is really an awful bite. My heart is breaking for him and for you!!
You know, I think that difficult kids exist in every situation (and it doesn’t stop with daycare… they are always there) and people are so darn non-confrontational that the kids just learn that it’s okay to act out in hurtful ways. This has been our experience for sure and it was sort of alarming.
BUT, bottom line? If the provider can’t keep your kids safe (and that, ultimately, is the job of any adult watching children: to keep them safe) then she isn’t being a capable provider. Which you clearly know and are acting on.
“Time at home to work on issues” does not sound like a plan to teach the kid to handle the inappropriate behavior. Is there an assessment plan? A consultation with a child psychologist? Behavioral studies? I’m being serious. Those are the sorts of things I’d be asking… if the idea is to try and keep the difficult kid in the center, then what is the plan for teaching this child to behave? I think that you AND the other parents deserve that information so that you can decide whether it’s worth it for you to stick around.
If you can find another center, it sounds like you should… but I’d be clear that it’s not about the kid. It’s about the inability of the provider to handle the situation. If she can’t keep the kinds under her watch safe — whether through requiring parents step in and show progress with a difficult child or by creating limits to the tolerable behavior under her roof — then you have to step in. She is forcing you into the uncomfortable position of making these changes.
I’m not saying that it’s easy to deal with a difficult kid. That’s why we parents look to good quality childcare providers in the first place — for HELP from someone with more experience and guidance on how to raise kids. I’m sure she’s a lovely person, but maybe this is out of her league. Either way, she shouldn’t have to rely on your threats of leaving to kick out the child nor should she be letting him slide with warnings when there is a real problem to be addressed.
Also? I’d be a bit ticked off if the parent of said child wasn’t freaking out over it and trying to help their kid learn better ways of behavior in any and every way possible.
I’m so sorry to be on a roll. That bite mark brought back memories.
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July 24th, 2009 at 6:06 pm
As a provider myself, I implement a 3 week trial period whenever I enroll a new child. This is not only for the parent to decide whether or not they want to continue care with me, but for me to decide whether the child (and their parents) fit into my tight knit group. This doesn’t have anything to do with discrimination, and everything to do with building a quality experience for everyone involved. If one person is stirring the pot, then that person has to find a daycare more suitable for them elsewhere, period.
It’s unfortunate that your provider has choosen to try to work things out with this parent. Not because I don’t believe in cooperation, compromise or mediation, but because this really is an issue that cannot be fixed in a week. And the other children are clearly suffering.
July 28th, 2009 at 12:20 am
Oh, ouch. Poor Alex. Poor you.
I hope that things get resolved soon.
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