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re-wired
By heather | March 18, 2010
For the first two weeks after finishing my yoga teacher training, I couldn’t understand why I was so touchy. Everything irritated me, I wasn’t sleeping well, I was run down – even my skin looked blah. Having the stomach flu was part of it, but more than that it was work – all of a sudden I resented every email, loathed every minute of analysis I was asked to do.
The MBA program that I had been excited to start was now an inconvenience – if fact if I could have remembered my login to the add/drop system before the drop deadline I probably would have quit it before I even started.
“What is wrong with me?” I wondered. “Shouldn’t I be happy and free and loving the whole world with my newfound yogic knowledge and one-ness?”
I knew part of what was annoying me was that my yoga studio dreams had been shelved after our Yoga as a Business module…it’s a great lifestyle in theory, but the financial and practical realities are not something that I’m prepared to take on right now – a 75% cut in my take-home pay, and that would be after a few years of successful operation, plus the stress and committment of running your own business – not so much.
Today I happened across a blog post that explained to me exactly what was wrong – my body and mind had been “re-wired” in the weeks of teacher training immersion. (This link is worth checking out by the way, just for the amazing pictures.)
I found myself stressed and anxious, longing for the comfort of knowing that I had time carved out to practice and learn yoga from great teachers. My brain and heart was rebelling against having to try to find meaning in DoD instructions on how to secure network systems, especially knowing that most of the time my analysis and advice would be ignored anyway.
I was re-wired in the same way both times on maternity leave, too…used to a certain lifestyle and with a specific ebb and flow to my days. Getting back to the work that pays the bills was exactly that – getting back to work, and it sucked.
Sometimes I think that I’m really connected to my emotions and very self-aware. This time though, I really had no idea until I stumbled on that post, or maybe I knew but couldn’t find the words to clarify the emotions.
I wonder what situations and circumstances cause other people to be re-wired. It seems to quite easily happen to me, anytime I step away from work into something I love. Is that all it takes? And what if you have a job that you love? Is it still so quick to happen, or are you basically content all the time?
It never occurred to me when I graduated from high school that I would do anything other than go to college, get a business-related degree, and get a decent, stable job. I wonder how life would have been different if I’d acknowledged more of the things I LIKED to do, like fitness and writing and design; rather than what I thought I SHOULD do.
Now I need to figure out how keep the new wiring so that it peacefully co-exists and supports, rather than rebel against, the existing way of life.
Topics: deep thoughts...or not, yoga | 1 Comment »
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March 24th, 2010 at 8:36 pm
Your self-awareness is really admirable!
Holly’s last blog post..Reggio Run 2010 — 10K, but only $5.