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when you stop talking, you learn things
By heather | May 11, 2010
I’m not sure why, but the last few days I’ve felt calmer than I can remember in years. As last week taught me, sometimes you just have to sit back and let things happen to you without really knowing why and without trying to control them or freaking out about it. Of course, you can do all those things but more that likely you’ll just wind up really, really tired.
Obviously I didn’t willingly sit back and let things happen, but not being able to talk my way out of my speeding ticket or express my EXTREME displeasure at yet another extension for the kicked-out kid at daycare turned out to be a fine way of being forced to learn something. My tendency to obsess over and constantly talk about whatever happened to me really just prolongs the agony and annoyance. It’s now been over a week since I lost my voice and I still can’t talk normally. Trying to “save” the voice I have left forces me to choose my words carefully, to be discretionary when yelling at the kids, and to think about whether some things really need to be said at all.
With that in mind, the 24-hour change in Alex is remarkable now that this other child is no longer at daycare. A bully since he was old enough to walk, this boy kept the other kids constantly on the lookout for sneaky pushes and pokes, and delivered Emily Kate’s first and only smack to the face when she was only 10 months old. When he wasn’t picking at the other kids, he was screaming his head off about something or other, refusing to follow directions and loudly expressing displeasure over everything he was asked to do. I know this not only from observation, but because my kids started to bring it home over the last few months, reacting as if I’d told them I was going to chop off a toe when I would offer a snack they didn’t like.
I realized last night how much the situation was wearing on me, on all of us, when I thought back to those mornings when I couldn’t wait to get back to my car and away from this child. Just 10 minutes with him was a horrible way to start my morning, and here I was dropping off my kids to spend the next 8 hours with him. Then they would come home defensive and cranky and I would wonder why, and even worse get mad at them for behavior that was pretty much inevitable given what they were exposed to all day.
Last night and this morning, Alex in particular was a different child – sweet, helpful, polite, playful. It’s as if he understands that the situation is finally remedied and he doesn’t have to be defensive anymore. He nicely told me he didn’t like his dinner and wasn’t going to eat it, rather than whining and getting angry. He gave happy hugs goodbye this morning and at lunch Miss S texted me to tell me what a great day he was having, participating in lessons and songs when often he is withdrawn and quiet.
I feel so incredibly lucky today that a situation I had a hand in causing (by referring the parents there in the first place) is finally done. I’m not living in a dream world, I know my kids will still act out and act up and argue, and that’s fine. Because rather than coming from a place of defensiveness, it’s learning and exploring who they are within boundaries set by discipline and rules that will eventually make them productive members of our family and society.
(The speeding ticket parallel is not lost on me with that last statement by the way. But I would still like to point out that everyone around me was going as fast or faster, and the radar was definitely faulty, and I couldn’t see the sign because trees were in the way. Ahem. )
Topics: Alex, parenting | 2 Comments »
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May 11th, 2010 at 7:23 pm
That advice, about not dwelling on and constantly talking about the things that bother you, is what my mom always tells me. Now I have to admit she’s probably right. It makes a lot of sense.
Glad the little tyrant is out of day care, too!
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May 12th, 2010 at 12:35 am
I’m so glad that the child has moved on… it was obviously not a good environment for anyone involved. I hope your voice comes back soon!!
Holly’s last blog post..In order to one day prove that it once was clean.