I spend a lot of time in the water most summers.  I would like a bathing suit that is cute, flattering, and comfortable and I really don’t think that is too much to ask.

To that end, as you start to dream up beach wear for next summer I would respectfully request that you design at least a few that are NOT HALTER TOPS.

Don’t get me wrong, I think halters LOOK fine.  But much like high heels, I suspect they were designed by people who never had any intention of actually putting them on.  

Now that I have two children, to get my chest where I want it I must tie the halter tight enough that I feel like I have a noose around my neck and by the end of my swim my entire upper back and shoulders hurt.  When I loosen it, I feel like certain attributes are a little too close to being on display, potentially ready to fall out any minute.  And carrying around a 1-year-old with wandering fingers who pulls on anything she finds interesting is a danger too.

I just want something comfortable that isn’t a tank suit I would wear to swim laps.  When I went swimsuit shopping this spring, I had to ask the sales associate if there were any suits that didn’t have a halter neckline.  She pointed me to the old lady suits with skirts and built in boob armor, which would have been kind of like wearing a mother-of-the-bride dress to my senior prom.  Needless to say, I didn’t buy anything.

In case you’re wondering, my bathing attire this summer has been an old, OLD bikini top (with straps) that does not match my tankini bottom (because the tankini top is a halter) and the aforementioned rashguard.  Seriously.  It is a less than “beach sexy” combination.

I’m considering starting a facebook group or something, isn’t that what all the cool kids do when they want to get something done?  I know there are others out there like me, who hate halters but are forced into them by our inability to find a single flattering suit that doesn’t tie behind my neck. 

Sensitive trapezius, untie!  Or unite!  Or something!

Here’s to next summer,

Heather

Given that when you’re at the water park everyone is literally letting it all hang out, it’s better than TV.  Tattoos, piercings, scars, branding (you know where you burn yourself and make a disgusting scar shaped like your favorite frat or something equally stupid), ridiculously painful looking sunburns - you name it, it’s somewhere walking around the Water Park. 

I did not know that they made string bikinis to fit woman that top 300 lbs, did you? 

I had an little brush with skin cancer earlier this year, so I spent most of the time not actually in the water outfitted in hat, rash guard, towel around my legs, hiding in the shade.  For the record, when dry, rash guards are the best thing ever to happen to post partum, semi-soft bellies. 

When wet, they suck.  Drippy and heavy, they are hot and will plaster themselves to you so that anything other than a six pack looks like a sackful of puppies under your shirt. 

I have always been a water baby and a sun worshipper.  It kills me to have to cover up, instead of soak it up but I do, mainly because I don’t get tan anymore I just get freckles.  Ugh. 

Last week when we were there, I spent a good 5 minutes laughing at Emily Kate practicing her squats in the water.  Until she fell down, and a cloud of brown poofed up around her out her swim diaper.  She wasn’t actually practicing squats.  That right there is reason number one why you leave as soon as the chlorinated water isn’t sparkling anymore.  It happens around 2pm on hot summer days.

Alex’s favorite thing to do is stand directly underneath a waterfall and let the water pound down on his head.  Ironic, seeing as how he flips out at the mere mention of a shower at home.  He’s big enough to go on many of the adult rides and always laughs his head off during the ride, but then when it’s over informs me, “I no liked that!” 

On the kiddie rides, he somehow always manages to get the lifeguard to laugh which is amazing considering how many kids pass by them every day.  Like the time when he tried to climb into the raft and was so excited he tumbled in head first and exclaimed, “Whoops!”  Finally righting himself, he settled in and proclaimed, “Ready!”

Sodas and sunburns, the smell of chlorine, splashing, floating, yanking the kids up by the trunks when they fall face first into the water.

The last weekend of the summer is here.  How did that happen?