I’m finding myself lately not really very interested in answering that question.  When you first start practicing yoga, you ride a wave of sudden self-awareness and wonder at the physical and mental aspects of the practice.  Sooner or later, you’ll either become a teacher and the wave gets bigger or you sort of start to question the teachings with a healthy skepticism.  This isn’t good or bad – if you take a teacher training, then the inevitable questioning of your practice/teaching/spirituality may be postponed, but it will eventually happen.  Questioning is good – it forces you to figure out what your values are and what you believe, making your practice much more authentic.

I’ve had several yoga right turns, or near misses – whatever you want to call it.  I started off taking yoga at a gym and started teaching after a weekend workshop in “fitness yoga”.  This was more than 11 years ago.  A few years later I was sore and injured and nothing about yoga was making much sense – I was ready to quit until I happened on my first Anusara workshop.  I was instantly enamored, I felt like I’d found my yoga calling.  Anusara made sense to me and it helped that I got an adjustment that relieved what was almost debilitating pain in my hip.  I was going to practice and teach in this style and my world would right itself.   This was in 2003.  There were no Anusara teachers within 150 miles of me.  So I went to workshops every chance I got.  I became a much better teacher but never got the courage to quit my well-paying day job and go for what was calling me. 

Fast forward to kids – I finally came to the understanding that there was no way I was going to pursue an Anusara training given the time committment and travel that would be required.  A hot studio had just opened near my house and to teach there I needed an RYT.  I sort of gave-in and signed up for a teacher training near home.  It was a better experience than I expected, but nowhere near the experience I wanted.  But you compromise and do what you can given the constraints that you place on yourself.

That’s a key point – the constraints were something I placed on myself, nobody forced me to settle.

I completed my RYT in February of last year, and have been teaching at that hot studio ever since.  I wasn’t sure it was a good fit – I really hate being hot (being a pitta dosha), and I don’t like having to teach what someone else tells me to – but for a while it was good, even great.  Which brings me to the next right turn.

Several things happened at once – there started to be a lot of drama at the studio: egos, personalities, a shift in the energy of the place.  This spring, I went to a workshop and took a flow yoga class with creative, outside-the-box choreography and another set to hip-hop music.  I taught an easier variation of the outside-the-box choreography and got an accusatory reprimand.  I came across a series of articles on Elephant Journal that convinced me that 90% of the people practicing yoga take it way too seriously.  Because let’s be honest – you may find some peace in the present moment and a decent workout, but you aren’t going to find spiritual enlightenment taking class with a teacher who took a 200-hour training and is teaching a formatted series that never changes.

Which brings me to my current disgruntled state and the answer to the question so often posed to me: why should I do yoga?

I don’t know and I don’t particularly care if you do.  I’ve lost that yoga-evangalism so I can’t answer that for you.  Think about why you WANT to do yoga.  Because someone told you so?  Because you’re wondering about this yoga fad?  Because you feel guilty that you run 20 miles a week and never stretch?  You have sky-high blood pressure?

The difference between yoga and stretching is simply intention.  (I borrowed this comparison from somewhere but can’t remember who said it first.)  If you’re stretching, you are sitting there thinking about the workout you just did or what you’re going to have for dinner.  If you’re doing yoga, you are trying to fully experience every cell in your body.  If you’re stretching, you probably aren’t paying much attention to how your body is aligned or how the stretch feels.  If you’re doing yoga, you are constantly pulsing with the breath and using it to find a balance between strength and flexibility, effort and rest.  If you’re stretching, you are entertained by the drama that surrounds you, if you’re doing yoga, it feels like an assault on the senses.

It doesn’t matter if you’re barefoot or lying on a sweaty mat in a room full of lululemon-wearers, if you aren’t trying to be present then you are stretching.  It doesn’t matter if your teacher trained with one of the greats or is spouting off quotes from a book, it is what YOU are thinking and feeling that matters.

The MBA program that I had been excited to start was now an inconvenience – if fact if I could have remembered my login to the add/drop system before the drop deadline I probably would have quit it before I even started.

“What is wrong with me?” I wondered.  “Shouldn’t I be happy and free and loving the whole world with my newfound yogic knowledge and one-ness?”

I knew part of what was annoying me was that my yoga studio dreams had been shelved after our Yoga as a Business module…it’s a great lifestyle in theory, but the financial and practical realities are not something that I’m prepared to take on right now – a 75% cut in my take-home pay, and that would be after a few years of successful operation, plus the stress and committment of running your own business – not so much.

Today I happened across a blog post that explained to me exactly what was wrong – my body and mind had been “re-wired” in the weeks of teacher training immersion.  (This link is worth checking out by the way, just for the amazing pictures.)

I found myself stressed and anxious, longing for the comfort of knowing that I had time carved out to practice and learn yoga from great teachers.  My brain and heart was rebelling against having to try to find meaning in DoD instructions on how to secure network systems, especially knowing that most of the time my analysis and advice would be ignored anyway.

I was re-wired in the same way both times on maternity leave, too…used to a certain lifestyle and with a specific ebb and flow to my days.  Getting back to the work that pays the bills was exactly that – getting back to work, and it sucked.

Sometimes I think that I’m really connected to my emotions and very self-aware.  This time though, I really had no idea until I stumbled on that post, or maybe I knew but couldn’t find the words to clarify the emotions.

I wonder what situations and circumstances cause other people to be re-wired.  It seems to quite easily happen to me, anytime I step away from work into something I love.  Is that all it takes?  And what if you have a job that you love?  Is it still so quick to happen, or are you basically content all the time?

It never occurred to me when I graduated from high school that I would do anything other than go to college, get a business-related degree, and get a decent, stable job.  I wonder how life would have been different if I’d acknowledged more of the things I LIKED to do, like fitness and writing and design; rather than what I thought I SHOULD do.

Now I need to figure out how keep the new wiring so that it peacefully co-exists and supports, rather than rebel against, the existing way of life.

This weekend is my next to last weekend of teacher training and so far I LOVE IT.  Initially my brain fought with my body during every single practice, because it was HARD.  And DIFFERENT than what I am used to practicing – teachers at this studio hold poses until your legs shake and although my butt hurts constantly it is in a good way.  I have discovered things about my practice and my body that never occurred to me – for example maybe the reason my lower lumbar spine is always slipping and sliding out of place is because I have a ridiculous imbalance of strength between my right and left sides.

I am learning from an E-RYT 500 who trained with Bikram Choudury and with B.K.S. Iyengar…in person.  In the yoga world, that’s like having Slash and the Van Halen guy teach you how to play guitar.  The professor teaching us yoga philosophy has a PhD from Harvard and lectures at the Smithsonian and has an amazing way of making all this stuff seem exciting and accessible.  We’ve also spent a significant amount of time discussing the concept of Atman, and I am delighted to learn that Finding Atman as a concept still makes perfect sense.  (The blog name anyway, maybe not so much the posts.)

The concepts of divine love and uniting our spiritual self have sparked an interest and started to fill a void and I find myself more patient, and able to just…sit…without being antsy, or looking for something to do, or constantly checking email every 5 minutes.  I feel incredibly fortunate to have stumbled on a yoga teacher training of this caliber, and it truly was the right time for me to do it, furthering my belief that things happen when they are supposed to happen.

Initially I was dreading the drive to and from the studio – it’s about 50 minutes from my house.  Thanks to books on CD, the drive time has become a sort of meditative practice in and of itself.  The first book I listened to was Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell.  I’ve listened to and love all his books -they have the kind of logic and examples and pace that make me sad when I get to the last CD – but this one was probably my favorite so far.

The second book I got was The Five People You Meet in Heaven, by Mitch Albom.  Depending on my mood, this book was either heart-warming or unbearably saccharine.  Mostly it was the latter, but the concept is interesting and there is a quote in there about children that will resonate with me forever – “All children are damaged by their handlers – some get fingerprints, some get cracked, and some get shattered.”  (That isn’t a word for word because I am disinclined to go look up and link to the exact quote.)

In my queue are The Botany of Desire by Michael Pollan (I think the Omnivore’s Dilemma should be required reading for everyone who eats meat), and Super Freakonomics by Levitt and Dubner.  Currently in my CD player is Raising Boys by Dr. James Dobson.

Now, about that last one.  I read somewhere that it is good for us to listen to and read things that we disagree with – it keeps your brain sharp and engaged.  I’ve always tried to follow that and indeed even seek out material that presents a differing viewpoint.  That is the single reason that I was able to get through the introductory chapters of this book.

Having made it to Chapter 8, I’ve finally been able to stop gnawing on my knuckles/screaming/laughing out loud and can agree with some of what he’s saying.  (SOME.  Not all.  Not even half.)  I often feel like I have no idea what I’m doing with Alex which is why I picked it up in the first place, but the in-your-face approach, blatant disparagement of women in the workplace, and feminism as a dirty word, plus assertions with no hard facts or studies to back them up has been…ahem…hard to swallow.  I think my buddy Malcolm G would disagree with Dr D., who thinks that boys are better at math because they are wired to be that way, since one of the examples in Outliers is a fascinating study of why Asian cultures are so much better at it than Western cultures.  Anyway.

As part of the teacher training, I’ve also read four amazing books that have opened my eyes to the rest of the practice of yoga.  One of the books talks about how to be a student – come to practice with a mind like an empty cup, because any knowledge the teacher gives a student with a half full cup will spill out and is lost.  I have tried to make a concerted effort to approach every day of training and every book with that mindset, and not having to be right about anything has made a huge difference in my daily attitude.  Humility, I think it’s called.  It’s refreshing.

I was that girl.  Granted, I was not the worst of my friends but I still jostled for mirror space with the best of them.

When I was 8, I used to take my $1 allowance down to the drugstore on the corner and buy cheap .99 eyeliners and nail polishes.  I coveted Dr. Scholls clogs and all the makeup that was out of my budget – the Cover Girl and Maybelline and Revlon.  I can still picture the aisle of that store, I loved to just sit in the makeup aisle and drool over all the sparkly, shiny colors.

I still do that, except now I stare at the Sephora catalog and I covet higher end eyeshadow palettes from Urban Decay, liquid eyeliners from Boujois, airy foundations from Smashbox, lipsticks, lip balms, lip glosses – any brand thankyouverymuch.  Skincare from philosophy and Bliss and Aveda; hair products from Bumble and Bumble – I love them ALL.

Unfortunately for me, the painstakingly developed step-by-step daily routine has become somewhat…over-developed.  It is no surprise to anyone that knows me that I am most definitely the highest of high-maintenance.  I require 5 products in the shower alone (shampoo, conditioner, 2 kinds of soap, and facewash) and that’s not counting the deep conditioning or shaving days.  I step out of the shower and layer on face serum, face lotion, eye cream, body lotion, deodorant, tinted sunscreen, and two kinds of hair products.  That’s before I get to makeup, hair dryer, velcro rollers, hairspray, and on and on.

If I’m being honest, I don’t particularly care about becoming lower maintenance or streamlining my routine.  I love these girly things, and when there aren’t kids hanging off my legs I can go from bed to out the door in 35 minutes.

The problem is, it sure is a bitch when I have to get ready away from home.  For one thing trying to remember all this stuff is next to impossible and I’m guaranteed to forget the critical basics, like deodorant or a bra, in my haste to remember three kinds of moisturizer.  It’s also somewhat embarrassing to unpack, repack, and cart all this stuff around in the locker room or at a friend’s house.

This problem has manifested itself, along with all the other emotional and physical stuff that comes up, in my yoga teacher training.  We practice a hot yoga class each morning, then have lecture or posture clinic the rest of the day.  I have to shower after the class.

I can easily reduce the skincare stuff and not wear makeup, but I am not and have never been a wash-and-go-hair kind of girl.  For my professional life, I have a shoulder length cut that requires…something.  I can’t wear a hat because my hair is too short and my ears stick out.  I could try a headband, or bandanna I guess.  Or what about those buff things that Survivor contestants wear?  Could I pull that off?

Suggestions are welcome.  My hair thanks you.

My engineering-major husband liked to joke that to earn my degree I watched television and analyzed commercials. This is true. I would rather be watching commercials than plowing through hours of complex math problems that take 4 sheets of paper to solve when both paths resulted in a college degree.

Therefore I feel somewhat qualified to rant on the Dodge Charger spot from the Super Bowl last night.  When the commercial started with those tired looking guys listing all the things they do everyday I had a feeling where it was going, and I wasn’t wrong.  It was described as a “defeated man launching into an internal tirade against a castrating little wife” and ranked as one of the ”best” ads in unscientific polls.

Seriously people…WTF?

I’ll stay away from the fact that Chrysler is basically owned by the government and that its only thanks to a gigantic bailout that this brand even still exists.  I’ll also refrain from a discussion of how much this commercial cost to produce and air, again if not using government money then certainly thanks in part.

I would like to point out that in playing into these same sexist stereotypes of men always being nagged by the woman and never getting to do what they want because they appear to be dragged down by marriage and family, Chrysler proves that they didn’t learn anything from events over the last 2 years and they still believe perpetuating the good ol’boys network is the way to go.

I should mention that numerous studies show marriage is highly beneficial to men in terms of longevity, happiness, and overall health while having the opposite effect for women.  Poor you commercial-guy, for having a job and all those responsibilities.  I know plenty of people who would love to have a job and a family – some have neither.

At the risk of sounding hyper-sensitive, I was really offended by this spot. 

Perhaps it was the fact that I’ve been spending a lot of time immersed in yoga teachings lately, learning that THINGS won’t make you happy and neither will negative perceptions about how much your work and life suck.  If you don’t want to do those things, then don’t.  If you don’t want to live that life or be in a partnership, then don’t.  It’s as easy as that.

Perhaps it’s because marriage should be a relationship of equals and when it comes to major purchases there should be  none of this “I’m going to do what I want” garbage.  Maybe if more people had actual conversations about finance there would be less debt and less divorce.

Perhaps it’s because I have a better marriage than that, and I want my daughter to have better than some loser who thinks she is a burden to his imagined free-wheeling lifestyle. 

Perhaps I just took offense to the amount of money spent on continued stereotyping rather than original thought.  I’m starting to despise the advertising industry for their lack of creativity and perpetually enforcing and teaching notions that degrade both men and women.  Then again, I am more astounded by the number of people who, lemming-like, think this qualifies as a great commercial without taking any time to really think about it.

There is a theory that every single thought and action affects the overall happiness of the world and that we are all affected by problems other people are having, no matter how irrelevant it may seem to you.  Think of us as all standing in one big giant line, waiting for help from whatever God or god you pray to.  By clearing out some of the negativity you hold on to, you make room for other people to work on clearing theirs and then you are in a position to help them do so.  Further, if you can approach things positively you never get in the line in the first place.

If you watched the show Undercover Boss that was on right after the Super Bowl, maybe you were inspired by the people working hard clearing up trash and cleaning port-a-potties and never bitching about the work.  Those are the people who are contributing to the happiness of the world and putting that theory into practice.

I recognize that there probably was very little thought put into this ad other than trying to make it funny.  Certainly, suited execs sitting around the table while some eager creative director pitched it to them didn’t stop to pontificate whether some over-burdened guy would then go out and buy a car without discussing it in the grand scheme of family finances, thus leading to a marital rift. 

I remember clearly the PR mantra that there is no bad publicity, (at least that’s what we would tell ourselves in the midst of a PR debacle) so any discussion over the ad is probably considered good for the brand.

I just think we can do better.  Better than accept this as one of the best, most creative commercials out there.  Better than to accept that any married, employed man is burdened by those things and that no matter what the person he’s talking to thinks he’s going to do what he feels like.

Come on Chrysler and Go-Daddy (not touching this one, BTW) and my fellow Ad/PR grads…YOU CAN DO BETTER.

When I first started practicing yoga I was a fairly hardcore group fitness instructor, teaching 9 classes a week on average.  Step, kickboxing, boot camps – as long as I could sweat and exhaust my students I did it.  Yoga bored me, because it was hard for me and I wasn’t in charge of the workout.

I don’t even remember what convinced me to start teaching yoga, probably because I wasn’t in charge of the workout.  Or maybe it was taking a class with a not-great teacher, throughout my life and career some of the biggest changes I’ve made have been a result of someone else doing something and suspecting (oh all right, KNOWING) I could do it better.  (Confidence has never been a problem for me.)

My only qualification to teach yoga back then was a fitness yoga weekend certification.  I look back now at how little I knew and think about what a danger I was to myself and others, especially special needs students.  A few years later, injured and on the verge of giving up yoga altogether, I attended an Anusara workshop and my teaching style was forever changed.  All of  a sudden I could see myself doing yoga for the rest of my life.  Every workshop and training I’ve attended since then has focused on that style.

A few weeks ago, I took a hot yoga class that was team taught by the studio owner and a trainee.  The trainee was terrible, mostly because her lack of confidence and self-deprecating comments distracted me from the zone I usually get into when I take a class.  It wasn’t that she was new, but that she pointed out her errors during the class while giggling nervously, and afterward kept talking about it.

My experience teaching is that when you screw up, 80% of the class doesn’t realize it, 19% only suspect, and 1% know.  That one percent is usually another teacher.  Confidence makes all the difference.

The difference between this trainee and me is that she was a RYT-200, an official Registered Yoga Teacher.  (For those unfamiliar, the 200 hour training is a regulated curriculum overseen by Yoga Alliance.)  I had experience, but she had the education.  She was official, I wasn’t.  It suddenly became very important to me to find a teacher training program.

I had never been particularly interested in pursuing a RYT before that moment, partially because I had been holding out hope that I could somehow overcome distance, financial, and family commitments to train at an Anusara studio 3 hours away.  Which is truly ridiculous, not only because teaching at a gym requires absolutely no yoga training beyond that first weekend workshop, but because realistically with two kids under 3 and a full-time job it was never going to happen.

Last weekend I started a teacher training program at a local studio training in multi-style – hot yoga, vinyasa, and Iyengar.  Just reading the first book assigned has shown me how much I don’t know about everything from history to breathwork to meditation.  I will spend the next six weeks learning Sanskrit pose names, observing other teachers, reading and writing about yoga, and practicing, practicing, practicing.

At the end I will emerge as an official yoga teacher.  On the surface everything will look the same – I’ll still go to work, and parent, and teach yoga at the gym.  I suspect underneath I will have a whole new perspective.

I’ve always taught my classes – whether step or yoga or cycle – by making it up as I go along, which means some are great and some really suck.  Really really suck.  The really great sequences are likely never to be seen again, which is unfortunate but at least it never feels stale.

When I teach a really great class, it makes me want to teach more.  But lately, buoyed by my newly discovered personal practice and the feeling of not enough time EVER, I’m considering going on teaching hiatus. 

Really awesome classes are getting farther apart.  I enjoy it while I’m there and doing it, but there is no joy in the anticipation.  Part of the reason (a lot of the time the only reason) that I keep teaching is because it gets me to the gym and I know from experience that I’m not the best at working out of my own volition.  If I’m obligated, I’m there…if not, well…

Then again, I’ve been teaching some type of weekly fitness classes since I was 19.  How can I give it up?  It will be like giving up the last piece of my college-age self – the one who actually owned (and wore) a unitard, yo.

A year ago, a hot yoga studio opened right down the street from me.  Although the idea of doing yoga in a 105 degree room in Southern summers didn’t excite me, the fact that a real live yoga studio of any kind was coming to town was enough to fill me with inspired motivation – be a better person! practice yoga regularly!

A week later, I found out I was pregnant.

Hot Yoga.

I kind of forgot about it after that.

This week, inspired by the steel rods in my neck and shoulders, I finally went, and you know what?  It was GREAT.

1.  I LOVE having a teacher make adjustments to my poses.  I LOVE having a teacher, period.  In a studio, with other people!  Because no matter how much I learn from Yoga Today, or how much I like to teach, sometimes I need to not be in charge.  A statement that bears repeating, with a good slap if necessary.

2.  The schedule is comforting to me.  Every day they have classes at the exact same times, and better still they have classes before the kiddies get up and after they are in bed so I can attend guilt free.

3.  Since I’m ignoring Daylight Savings Time, I can actually make the early class.  My alarm goes off at 5:15 but the clock says 6:15 and my foggy brain thinks, “Okay…after 6…do-able…” And just like that we get up.  Trickery!

4.  When I taught my class on Tuesday, I was astonished to find that I felt loose and strong after having done yoga the day before…who knew that following my own advice would be so helpful?  Am unrecognized genius…

5.  I seriously look and feel like I’ve had a facial after every class.  Which rocks because I can’t remember the last time I actually had one and as my rosy-glowing-pregnancy-horomones desert me, I’m certain that my normally piss-poor complexion is lurking, waiting to erupt.  (I’d like to point out that wrinkles and acne are difficult to fight simultaneously.  And both together is an example of the extreme unfairness in the world.)

6.  I like the anonymity.  I haven’t told anyone at hot yoga that I teach – it seems an unnecessary detail.  At the gym I workout for 20 minutes but I’m there for 45 talking with people I may or may not feel like seeing (usually not).  Right now, all the community I need is a quiet smile or hi as I come and go.

7.  I have learned that my ankles are the first part of my body to start sweating, which is just weird.  When I’m lying on the floor in savasana I must have my body positioned in the exact center of the mat because I CANNOT HANDLE one damp hand touching the floor.  Also, the mat edge must be lined up exactly with the floor tiles or I will end up stopping and moving it. Obviously I still have some control issues. But…

8.  I think…yes, maybe…let me check…I think I am less stressed out.  As in no longer coveting Zoloft, snapping at everyone, and cursing like I’m getting paid for it.  It’s entirely possible that this unexpected development is a result of time, because it took me a month of maternity leave to get used to staying home and I’ve now been back at work for almost a month, but I’ll take it either way.  So will my poor, long-suffering husband.

9.  Class ends with a peppermint scented ice cold towel that the teacher floats over my face and then rests on my forehead, and seriously this?  Is what keeps me coming back.

So in summary, I really should take my own advice and I heart hot yoga.  The end.

When I start a practice, all I want to do is backbend to counterpose all the forward bending I do over kids, computer, dishes.

Do you ever watch the way kids do things?  Emily Kate stretches with her whole body, including her face.  I forgot how great that feels.

Alex bends from the knees to pick stuff up, not from the waist. 

When do we learn all the bad habits that cause pain and injury?

I’m definitely more humble, weaker, and creaky in my physical practice. 

Mentally I’m stronger, calmer and more empathetic towards those with physical limitations.  The challenges of the past month have forced me to look at how I teach in a new way, and that’s a good thing.

Someone asked me the other day why so many women try yoga for the first time when they get pregnant and I had to really think about it.

Why does anyone try it?  It’s like broccoli – good for you and you can’t say you don’t like it if you’ve never tried it.  There’s a certain guilt carried by people who haven’t.

“I really should…,” they say, trailing off.

Some people will try it once but get a teacher or style that’s uninspiring.  Then when someone asks, they can state with a clear conscience that they don’t do yoga – they tried and didn’t like it – even though there are hundreds of different styles.

Or there is always the excuse of being too busy – the fitness coordinator at my gym is wound as tight as a yo-yo and has had several surgeries for overuse injury, but has never once in 4 years taken my class, even though she’s told me she “really should…she is just so busy…”

Pregnancy is different.  If you aren’t taking care of yourself, then by extension you aren’t taking care of your baby.  For a lot of people, that is the motivation to finally find the time to get thee to a class and maybe even stick with it, because a committment is more acceptable when it’s an obligation to someone else.

That’s why penciling in personal time hasn’t ever worked.  If you aren’t letting someone down by not showing up it’s easy for you and other people to assume that committment is flexible and expendable.

Today, I will teach my last yoga class until September.  And although I sometimes practice alone, much of my practice is rooted in planning my classes, reading related books, and teaching.

I’m wondering how my yoga practice will change for the last 10 weeks of pregnancy and post-partum.  I’m wondering if I can commit to it without the obligation.

I’ve studied pre-natal yoga and I could easily continue practicing on my own, but just like with vacations I need to get out of my house and head to be effective.

Pre-natal yoga videos and classes for the most part are designed for the woman who has never tried yoga.  There is only one class in my area anyway – on a Saturday when I’m usually napping.

I could attend my own classes with the substitute instructor but that doesn’t feel right either.  It’s hard to attend a class that you built up and watch another instructor owning it.

What I’m most afraid of is that my practice will slip away altogether, eroded by chores and errands and TV and life.

I recognize my excuses in each of the options above – not right, bad time, too busy.  If nothing else, teaching yoga while pregnant has taught me about what it’s like to be the overweight person or the injured person in class.  Soon, not teaching will test my ability to go beyond the excuses.

I teach about making the committment to practice, now I’ll see if I can live it without the obligation of teaching.